Let's be real. Playing time can be one of the most frustrating and emotional parts of the whole. Sports experience, not just for athletes, but for us as parents. So that is exactly what I'm diving into today in this episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. If I haven't met you, I'm Coach Bree. I'm a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm really excited that you're here. Whether you are just getting going on your sports journey with your daughter, or maybe you have a ton of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident. Mentally strong girl athlete that can navigate the yeps and the downs of her sport, including conversations around playing time with her coach. And I do hear this a lot on our free trainings for moms and in our community around like she's not happy with the playing time that she's getting, but. She doesn't really know what to do about it. Or you tell your daughter to talk to her coach and she's like, I don't wanna talk to my, my coach. Or, it's scary. Or they say We can't talk about playing time. So how do we go about that? So, I'm gonna be talking about this from a couple of different angles, but you can do as a parent and some really simple ways that your daughter can advocate for herself. When it comes to this issue of playing time. Now, before I do, I wanna give a shout out to a mom in our community. She actually posted this within our private group. So this mom has an athlete who is going through our program, the Elite Mental Game. Now this is our signature self-paced mental training program for girl athletes, proven to increase their mental strength and confidence through very short, simple strategies rooted in sports psychology to help her play and perform her best. So, mom's name is Emily. Emily said, my daughter sat down and finished the first lesson of phase two last night. After a few weeks of a lot of frustration at practices this morning, her coach pulls me over afterwards and says, I noticed something different about her today. She was able to verbalize exactly what was difficult for her, enabling me to provide technical fixes. Whatever you're doing at home, keep doing it. I was thrilled to hear this from her coach and don't think it was coincidence that my daughter had just completed EMG. 12 hours prior, so Awesome. Emily, I love hearing this. I'm so glad that you shared it with us and so happy for your daughter that she is able to apply what she's learning and that's exactly what athletes do. They learn very simple strategies in not a whole lot of time. When I say that mental training. You get out more than you put in. I'm serious. Like athletes don't have to spend a ton of time. In fact, our program, they watch five to 15 minute short videos from me inside their training portal. And then they have a little mindset thing to apply to their practice applied to, their competition even that day. So changes are fast. They're quick, and that's what we need right now for our athletes so that they have some hope and they have real strategies to use. So, congratulations. Keep going. Now moms and dads that are listening, if you are interested in this for your daughter. Head to our free training. It's at train her game.com. So if you go there, you will, learn about our philosophy a little bit through our free training for parents. You're gonna pick up some strategies yourself and you'll learn all about our program, the Elite Mental Game, and you get a little discount for joining on one of those trainings. So train her game.com is where you can go for all of that. All right, let's get into it around playing time, whether. You're dealing with that right now, or you're just prepping for what could come? I actually really like talking about this because I am a volleyball coach myself. I've been a head volleyball coach for the past 14 years. So I have, um, also seen it from the coach perspective, and I'm gonna talk about it from that perspective as well, because I think that's important. So the first thing that I want to cover is just know what the playing time philosophy is on your daughter's team before you even like, consider this conversation. At all. So what I think is important and how I start off my season at the parent meeting is I talk very specifically about how playing time is earned, how it's distributed, and how it varies from team to team. So I coach high school and we have three teams in our program, C team, JV, and Varsity, and all of them. Have different levels of playing time associated with them. The team that I coach, the varsity team, I'm very explicit that there's not equal playing time, and that's for a variety of reasons. One of which being that positions don't all have equal playing time. So somebody who plays only in the back row is going to get half the amount of playing time from, for someone who is a six rotation player or if I have like a specialist. So if I have like a blocking specialist or a serving specialist. They're probably gonna go in only for like one rotation. And so depending on what her role is, and that's the second piece to this, her role might not have a lot of playing time associated with it. And also it's really good to know before you get into a team what the playing time philosophy is. Now on my JV team, it's a little more equal On the C team, it is almost all equal depending on you know, aside from like maybe positional things, we say that every athlete will play in every game on the JV and C team level. On the C team, it's the most. Equitable. If your daughter's playing on a rec team, like my daughter's on a rec team right now, I have her on that team because I expect it's going, she's gonna get playing time. It's not, you know, super competitive at this point. And so I want her in that environment because I want her to get a lot of reps and I want her to be in game situations. And that was clear from when we signed up for the team too. You know, and the club talks about how on a rec team playing time is, I mean, maybe like equal is hard'cause like if you're a black and white person and you like track the actual minutes, which I hope you don't, but you know, equal ish, I guess I'll say. So. Know what you're getting into is what I'm saying? I guess. So, know what the philosophy is, know how playing time is distributed. What I tell my athletes on the varsity team, it's very competitive. We've won four state championships in a row. Our ultimate goal is to win. Okay. I know that that might sound bad, but ultimately I'm judged based on the performance of my team and my job as a coach is to put. Individuals in the best position to make the success of the team, the greatest. And so that might be six to eight individuals who work the best together and, you know, provide the best opportunity for us to win. And that's my job. Now, obviously there's another side to that because I have 12 girls on my team, and so I want every single girl to know that their role is important and that they are valued on the team. And so I find roles for everybody on the team. And I'm very clear about what their role is. And so we even have player role meetings at the beginning of the season, and I talk about what your role is, what playing time is associated with that role. So I might say, Hey, you are a six rotation outside hitter. This means that you are going to play in most games, six rotations. You're a go-to, here's what the expectation is. Or have some roles where you're a backup defensive specialist, meaning there is somebody who is the main defensive specialist who will go in. And if that person cannot play or compete, or we're in certain games, I say like most of our league games will be able to provide opportunities for players. I will look for all opportunities that I can to get you in, but your role is a backup, which means that you're not going to get as much playing time as the person who is in that starting position. Your role, though, still is very important, especially in practice because you're going to be getting a lot of reps. You're challenging our team, and so I talk about. What it means to be a backup player, if that's what their role is and how they're going to see playing time, how they can earn more playing time. It doesn't mean they will, because ultimately if there's somebody ahead of them, then. They might be getting better and that person ahead of them might be getting better as well. So it's just important, I think, overall to know like, what is the philosophy? How is playing time distributed? How is it earned? Does it ever change? I tell my athletes, I'm always looking for opportunities to get you in. And so. If not every game, you know at some point in our league matches, I will make sure to get you in and make sure that you have opportunities to play. But I can't guarantee that if you are in a backup role. So, regardless of all of that, we provide players with a player impact plan. That talks about what their strengths are, what they need to be working towards. And so athletes are still feeling like they're improving as an athlete. And I also make it abundantly clear, and I think this is really important, that we can emphasize as parents too, that your worth and who you are and your value to the team is not dependent on the amount of playing time that you get. I don't think we can overemphasize that. And we talked to. You know, moms, especially in our trainings and dads and we really wanna make sure that athletes know who they are is not just their sport and not just their playing time. And a lot of times that can get warped and it can feel like, you know, my only value is my playing time, and if I'm not getting any, that means I'm not valuable. And so we wanna really make sure that we're reemphasizing that message that. No, you are more than just an athlete. And also your efforts, your improvement, your attitude, your ability to be a good teammate, whatever your role is, we want to be reinforcing that role at home as well and letting them know that your role is important, even if it's not a role, that gets a ton of playing time. So that's just kind of step one, is know the playing time philosophy, understand what her role is, and help her own her role, and help her understand that like. Not all roles get the same amount of playing time. If you have experience from the past from that, like I do as a college athlete, my role, like honestly the first two or three years, in the program was a blocking sub. Like I actually, I didn't get a whole lot of playing time, those first few years. And I always share this story with my players because I'm like. I get it. You know, I get what it feels like to maybe not have a role that gets a lot of playing time, but my coach did a really good job of explaining what that role was, what I could be working on, how I can be improving. She had like, you know, she's just really good at framing it as you still are super valuable to this. Team and you challenge us so much in practice that actually what we put out on the court is a product of how hard you work in practice and how hard they push you or how hard you push the team. And so really, like reemphasizing that message at home is important. And I talk about how like I owned my role as a blocking sub. Like when I did get minutes, I just went in really focused on what my job was. I didn't have to have a role with a ton of playing time to still be a good teammate, to still show up and work hard and practice to still like, feel like I'm a valuable part of the team. And I think that message can be reinforced at home as well. So know what the playing time philosophy is. Know like what is her role? What's her job on the team? And then from there, that's where we can go. Now, the problem that I see a lot is that. Maybe the playing time philosophy is not clear from the coach or from the team that you joined. And so you're like, what the heck? All of a sudden she's not playing and I don't know why and no one has to communicated this. And also what is her role? I dunno. So, we work with a lot of coaches as well. We have a whole, side of our company that is dedicated to helping coaches, with their culture and with their mental game and all of that. And this is one of the things that we work with coaches on too, is like, make sure you tell athletes like what their role is because. That can be the easiest way to clear things up and make sure that they know what they're, what they're doing on the team for you. So, that's where I see the problem happens is that, as parents and as players, they don't know what the playing time, expectations are and how playing time is earned, and they don't know what their role is. And so they're just kind of like expecting to get playing time and then. Don't. And so talking about it, and so it makes a lot of sense why your daughter might be frustrated because typically those two things are missing. And so whenever we kind of enter into this conversation of she's frustrated with the amount of playing time, I also want you to check yourself are you frustrated with the amount of playing time she's getting or is she having the issue with it? And so I only say that because that might not even be a thing for you. But sometimes what happens is us as parents, we get a little bit, I wouldn't say too invested, but our egos get wrapped up in it. And the optics of like, well, if my daughter's not playing, what does that look like for me as a parent? And I'm just being honest here, like it can hit deep. So. I just want you to be honest with yourself and ask yourself, is it my daughter who has an issue with the amount of playing time that she's getting, or is it me? And if it's your daughter that is coming to you often and saying like, I don't know why I'm not playing, and I'm frustrated I'm not playing, then we can go from there and we can help her. Facilitate a conversation with her coach, and one thing that you can do to make sure you don't really screw this up from the beginning is just be a good listener when she comes to you with all of this. Instead of saying like, well, I don't know. Coach doesn't know what they're doing. Coach doesn't know what they're talking about, or You're way better than that player. I'm not sure why you're not playing either. You are going to very quickly ruin. The dynamics of the team. Potentially even worse, if you're like, well, it's already bad, well, you're not gonna be helping it at all. If you continue to, compare your daughter to other players and badmouth the coach, badmouth other players, there's a couple things that'll happen here. First of all, you're gonna damage her relationship with her coach, because now how are you expecting her to go have a conversation with her coach if you just badmouth them? Okay? Like, that just doesn't make sense. You're driving a wedge between her and her coach, when that should be the person that she is trying to have a, you know, an open. Communication conversation with. Same thing with players. You're now driving wedge between players and comparing and you know, you are just like adding to the drama as a parent, and I see this way too often. So keep your opinions to yourself when your daughter is talking to you. You can talk to your partner, your spouse, whatever, about all of this thing. All of this, if you have an opinion about it, but in front of your daughter, do your best to be a good listener. Reflect back what she's saying, try to understand what's going on, and help her process instead of. Diving into the middle and being a part of the problem. The other thing is that we want to make sure that our daughters feel supported, our athletes feel supported to be able to advocate for themselves. If you just jump in and you're like, well, I'll fix this, I'll email and ask, and, you know, a lot of coaches have rules about, like, as a parent, you cannot talk to me about playing time issues. And so some of that you not, you're not even like permitted to do anyways. But if you do decide like, well, I'm just gonna. Do this. You're robbing your daughter of an opportunity to advocate for herself and have a really productive conversation. And so I want you to see this as an opportunity, really anything that happens in your daughter's sports that is less than ideal. We wanna reframe it as like, good. This is an opportunity for her to practice a skill that, you know, when she gets out into the real world, she's probably gonna encounter in a much more like. Serious situation like in a workplace when she doesn't have a boss that she doesn't, you know, gel with. And, you know, there's a lot of other situations that are gonna happen outside of her sport that her sport is preparing her for. So if we're just gonna jump in and try and act like we're gonna take care of it for her or try to take care of it for her, we're probably gonna like that's gonna backfire. And also we're robbing her of the opportunity to have the skills to advocate for herself. So. It's actually a good thing that she's able to do this and know how to go about something when things like aren't really going her way. So if we get to a point where it's like, all right, I hear you. You're frustrated with the amount of playing time that you're getting. You don't know why you're not playing. I think the next best step is to clarify this with your coach. What do you think about having a conversation with your coach about this? Hopefully she'd be open to that. If she says, no, I don't want to, then really you're at a position in a position where it's like, well, so either you can deal with it. Or you can do something about it. I know that might sound harsh, but it's like, you know, either we can continue talking about it, you can continue to vent about it and I can continue to listen. But if you really want to move the needle and you want something to change, you do need to have a conversation so that you have some clarity and even coaches that say like, you can talk to me about playing time. I get that from a parent standpoint, you know, it needs to be a conversation from the athlete, but as an athlete, your athlete does have a right to know where they stand on the team, what they can be improving on, and that's how we can go about the conversation versus just saying, how can I get more playing time? Or Why am I not playing? I'm gonna walk you through some ways that you can help support your athlete in asking that question so that she gets some clarity. Okay. And so preparing for this conversation, so say we come to a point where it's like, yes, I do need to have a conversation with the coach. What we coach athletes on inside our program. The elite mental game is we say, well first ask your coach if they have a couple of minutes before or after practice to chat. And we always tell athletes, do your best to like actually plan this meeting. Okay. Don't like, catch'em off guard or things like that so that there can actually be some dedicated time to this. And so usually I tell athletes, like, just say, Hey coach, I have a question for you. Do you have some time after practice, like just 10 minutes of your time? I would love to ask a question tomorrow and most coaches will say yes. So put that on, you know, it'll get on the calendar and get scheduled. Preparing her for the conversation is really important. So here's where you can come in to help equip her without speaking for her. So first I would have her kind of self-reflect like, where do you think you're doing well as an athlete? Where do you think you can improve? Let's be really honest. Okay, so that your athlete can see that there are probably areas that she can improve as well. And then from there just, and that's just a good exercise in helping her, like be realistic about where she's at, where she needs to improve, kind of, you know, where she's at as an athlete. And then part of this conversation with the coach. I love the questions of. And what is my role on the team if she doesn't know that? Okay. And what playing time associated with the role, or you can, I always tell athletes to lead with positive intent. Say something like, coach, I know you want the best for the team and I know you want all of your team, or you know, all of your players to improve and I wanna be able to do that too. Can you gimme some feedback on where I can be improving as an athlete? Or just be honest and say I'm frustrated. Or I'm confused or I'm unclear. Can you help me understand why I'm not getting any playing time, why I'm not seeing the court and that can, you know, that's a lot better than just saying like, why am I not playing? Or How can I get more playing time? It's more of a like, can you help me understand and here's where I'm coming from. And also positive intent. Like I know you want the best for the team and I know that you're making decisions based on what you feel like is best for the team. I also. And curious, and can you help me understand like all of those sentence starters are really good for athletes to use? Another one that I really like is, what can I be doing to impact the team more? What can I work on to contribute more and earn more playing time? Like those are all really good places to go. Also, you need to prepare your daughter to. Maybe hear news that she doesn't wanna hear. So I think this is, regardless of how the conversation turns out, I think it's good that your daughter's advocating for herself. I think it's important that she comes prepared with questions, write them down. All of that is good.'cause sometimes athletes get nervous in all of this and they forget everything. So have her come with notes so that she can actually like advocate for herself. She might not hear what she wants to hear. And not all coaches are good at communicating, unfortunately. And, but also the coach might say, well, you know, your role in the team is a backup and, you're behind these two players because you need to work on your ball control and your consistency on your surf. That's great information for your daughter. So whatever information she gets from her coach, have her write it down and have her make sure that she's saying thank you. Like, thank you for this feedback. Thank you for this information. And at the end of the day. This conversation is really important because your daughter's advocating for herself. She's learning about herself, she's learning how to have hard conversations, and all of that is really good, regardless of if the outcome doesn't really go her way. And we tell athletes like, it might not like it, you might not come outta that conversation and be like, oh, now all of a sudden I'm a varsity starter and I'm getting a ton of playing time. Probably not gonna happen. But the goal is that you're getting some clarity onto what's happening and how you can improve. As a side note, another perspective to look at this from, is. You know, as a coach, like I have to look at the entire team, the entire 12, and how that unit works together. As a parent, we often just look at our kid, right? We're just looking at like one perspective and we care and for good reason, like we care just about them. And so I would ask you to expand a little bit just to kind of consider, like the coach has to see. More of a bigger picture than just your daughter and just also consider that and where she fits in kind of in the dynamics of the team. All right. The other thing I like to say is. No, we can't always choose the teams and the coaches and everything that you're on, but if you do have a choice and you are like, you know what, maybe this isn't the best environment for her because she needs to be on a team where she's getting more touches and more reps, then you can make that decision to move at the end of the season or move to environment where she's better suited. And you can ask those questions ahead of time. If it is a club team where you're making decisions on coaches, where you know, like, what is the playing time distribution here? Like how do we decide that? How is that determined? All of that. And a lot of times in clubs. You pay for the training. Same with high school. You pay for the, well, in high school we actually don't, but it's so much cheaper than club. It's hardly anything. But the training is really where the reps happen. And I also get the argument that athletes need game-like reps in order to improve. I absolutely, a hundred percent and behind that too, which is why I look for opportunities for all my players to get reps, but sometimes the environment is not good. So do you want your daughter to be on a team where she's maybe. Lower on the roster and being pushed and practiced by all of these girls who maybe are a little bit more talented than her. I wouldn't say talented. Maybe they're just like at a different level, or do you want her to be on a team where maybe her level is a bit more, equal to the other players and so she's going to get more playing time. So that's up to you also as a parent and a decision that you need to make with your athlete on what you're going to prioritize there as well. So regardless, I would say. That this conversation is good. And ask your daughter like, what did I learn? What can I take away from this? Be proud of her and give her kudos for speaking up and advocating and having that conversation and hopefully gaining some more clarity. And then if there's more, if she's still frustrated after that, if it's still like, it's still not clear, then that's where I would say maybe as a parent, you can step in and you can ask for some clarity. But honestly, I think when it comes to playing time, overall, this needs to be a conversation that's driven by your athlete and you can support, you can provide her with the resources. Inside EMG, we have a whole section on how to talk to your coach we have athletes do a five step process when they're about to have a conversation to help prepare them, but that's really where the growth is gonna happen, and that's where she's gonna feel more confidence because she's like, you know what, even though it's a tough situation, I can still. Advocate for myself, even in tough situations. So, okay. Hopefully that provides a little bit of clarity, around this topic. I know it's tricky. I know it can be emotional for everybody involved, but, also know that this is a good opportunity for your daughter. It's a good opportunity for you. It's also why we wanna make sure that our athletes have a lot of really good mental training strategies to be able to support their confidence through this so that they're not. Thinking that their self-worth is tied to how much playing time they are getting. So, alright, moms, I hope this was helpful and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.