If you have ever been in this situation where you are watching your daughter walk off the field or the court and you know, it's been a tough one. She either has been through it, it was a loss, or she didn't play well, and you can just tell that car ride home is going to be rough. And sometimes as a parent we're like. What do I say to her? Because it seems like if I don't say anything, then I don't care. But then if I do start talking, I'm always saying the wrong things and then she's shutting down. If you've ever been in this situation, well join the club, but this is also what I'm gonna be talking about in today's episode. I'm actually gonna be leading you through our love framework. This is the framework that we teach parents inside our program, the elite mental game on how to handle. The post game, including some things that you can say and things that you should definitely avoid saying in that fragile post game time. So stick with me. We're gonna be covering it all in today's episode. And if I haven't met you, I'm Coach Bre. I am the host of the Racing Elite Competitors podcast and the co-creator of the Elite Mental Game. If you're here, it means that you likely have a girl athlete who is playing a sport, and whether you are just getting going or you have a lot of. Seasons under your belt. This podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident and mentally strong girl athlete. And part of that is riding the highs and the lows of the whole sport experience. And as I mentioned, that post-game time can be a doozy. So we're going to cover all of it. Now. Before I get into it, I do wanna give a shout out to. Some moms in our community. We actually were just chatting about this inside our, private community for parents of athletes who are going through the elite mental game. We were talking about the post game car ride home, and we were like, Hey. I asked the moms like, how is the car ride going lately using the love framework? And I had three moms respond, well, actually I have more than that, but three that I want to highlight. One of them is Nicole. She said they're going. So much better. Our rides home after dinner or at dinner would often become a heated conversation. I'm so thankful for new ways to allow her to lead the conversation and come up with ideas in her own time. Shelly said this. She goes, they've been going so much better. I've stopped giving so much feedback and trying to let her lead. We're gonna be talking about that. Sometimes I have to catch myself, but then I stop and ask her if she wants to talk about it. Now, if she doesn't. We move on. And then Andrea said our car rides home have been a lot better. She hasn't shut down after a mistake or a loss anymore. She's willing to discuss how she's feeling when we let her lead and then we validate her feelings. Okay, so we're gonna be covering exactly what led to the comments from these moms, and when we talk about. Kind of this whole issue. I wouldn't say issue, but this whole topic of what to say, what not to say confidence in our girl athletes, there's really two parts of it. It's two, two pieces of a puzzle I want you to imagine. One piece of it is you okay? How you interact with your athlete after a game, what you say, what you don't say can absolutely impact her confidence. And I know that you've been here because you've said things that obviously weren't right. Things to say because she shut downs. Roll her eyes. She's like, mom, you don't get it. Okay. Or you have to say that you're my mom. Things like that. But then another big piece of it is her and her mental game and her ability to process what went on out there and do it in a way that's not going to attach herself worth to every single loss or every single bad game that she has. And if she does, we see athletes who come into the program, and that's kind of where they start. They're. On this rollercoaster because they've attached so much of how they feel about themselves to their performance. And that's not to say that athletes shouldn't care about their performance. Right? Those of us that were athletes are like, yeah, we care. Okay? But the thing is, when athletes are, connecting this, if I didn't play well then I don't deserve to feel good about myself, you know, for days and weeks on end. Or they're constantly beating themselves up like that actually is what we don't want because that leads to some really. Tough, self-confidence issues. So there's two pieces of the puzzle today in this episode. We're talking a lot about your piece of it, but I just from experience and working with thousands of athletes know that like your piece in combination with hers, when she is working on her mental game as well, she has a way to come back from mistakes faster in a game. When she knows how to process her performance without like, tearing herself down, that makes a huge difference too. So, if you wanna know those skills on how to teach those skills to your daughter, not just teach, but you know, the key skills that your daughter should be using in her sport to make sure that her mental game is locked in. We cover that in our free training for sports moms. So, if you were to train her game.com, you can register for that free training. We go over, like I said, the key skills that she needs in order to be mentally strong. So that there's really the two pieces of the puzzle are working together. Okay, let's get into it. I talked a little bit about the love framework at the beginning of this episode, and we're gonna cover that. We make it super simple to hopefully remember this acronym of love, LOVE, when you are thinking about post-game, so this is where we start the L. The L in the Love framework stands for Let Her Lead. Okay. And what does this mean? It can be the hardest, especially those of us that want to jump in, which is all of us, right? We're parents, we're moms. We wanna fix things. When we see her feeling bad, we're like, we wanna make it better, but let her lead means give it a pause. Don't rush in and, you know, critique the game right away. Give her some space to feel process. You could, I mean, I'm not saying you don't talk to her. You could say things like, Hey, I'm here to talk. If you don't want to right now, that's fine, but let her lead, like you are kind of following her lead when it comes to this. And you might have some emotions post game as well. Like maybe you are like a coach or you played the game, in the past and you're like. I feel like I wanna tell her, like if only she were to keep her elbow up higher, or if only she were to like run this play like it would've been so much better. You've gotta hold back some of those things because you've already probably found that when you just like word vomit on her, all of the things that she could have done differently or why did she do that? Or why did coach do this and that. It's like she shuts down, she just wants some space and. And we've had, like I said, we've had thousands of athletes come through our program, the elite mental game, and they comment inside their training portal, on this particular topic. And there's a whole section inside our program where athletes actually explore what they want and what they need from their parents pre, during, and post-game. And then there's a little activity where they actually like. Speak to their parents about this. And then on the other end of it, on the parent side of our program, we tell parents like, this is coming, here's how you need to respond. You know, so that it's a good, productive conversation. And I read through some of those comments in the portal and time after time. Athletes are saying things like this. Post game. It really like shuts me down when my mom or my dad starts critiquing every single thing that I do. I hear athletes all the time making comments that are like, post game. I just need some space. I do want to talk about it, but just not right then. And when my parents jump in right away, I hate it. Okay. And so let's give them a little bit of space. Let's let them lead. Like I said, I know it's hard because if they're hurting or if they're having a hard time, like your presence actually speaks more than anything. More than any words, special words you could say or like thing you can do, your presence is key. Dr. Becky Kennedy, I love her research and her work in the parenting world, and the way that she describes it is that. Imagine that your daughter, or son, if you're listening to this and you have a son this totally applies, is inside like, a garden. Okay? So we kind of set the stage in the garden, and in the garden there's all these benches around, there's the sadness bench, there's the confused bench, there's the embarrassed bench, there's the joyful bench. There's all the emotions and things that she could be experiencing. And when your daughter sits on the bench, maybe the bench of disappointment after a game. She just needs you to sit on that bench with her. And so imagining that you are just like sitting with her on this disappointed bench, you're not saying anything, you're not trying to get her up off the bench, right? Then you are just sitting with her in that disappointment. And your presence is more important than any script. Actually, Dr. Becky Kennedy says, when we respond to our children's pain with presence, instead of pressure, we build trust and resilience. And so you're actually doing more than you think you are just by being present while she is experiencing whatever emotion she is. After a game. So that is the L of let her lead. Just give her a little space. It's probably, I mean, this is literally like don't do anything, but it's harder than it sounds. Okay. O. Is open the space. Okay. What this means is create a predictable, safe space after games so that you're not just relying on words. We have rituals. Okay. Now if your daughter's a little bit older, maybe she's driving herself after a game and now you're like a little bit disconnected. But, if she's not, then I recommend that you have just some sort of ritual that you create with your daughter post-game. And maybe it is like, we're just going to go get something to eat. We're gonna go to Starbucks, we're gonna go, get ice cream. We win or lose play well, didn't play well. Okay. That like this is a predictable routine. That your athlete can count on. And that is her safe space for, I remember even high school, we used to always go to this place called Burgerville. If you're from the Northwest, you've heard of it. And I used to get a, mocha perk milkshake with my parents after every game, pretty much. And we're not talking healthy here, that's beside the point. But it was just this thing that like, it was almost comforting. It's like I can just. Be myself. I can count on that. Like if I wanna talk about the game, I can. But I actually like look back on, those memories with a lot of fondness because it's like, was just our space after a game. And you'll find, parents, you're gonna nod along with this as I say it, but your daughter's gonna open up a lot more if you're like. In the car, you know, you're both looking forward, side by side. You're not like forced you in conversation. She's got some food in her stomach and now all of a sudden she's talking about some stuff. Like if you open the space for her, it's almost like you're setting the table and you're inviting her to partake. Okay. And so it's just this like predictable. Hey, where do you wanna go eat? You know, that's just opening the space so that she feels comfortable and that you have a predictable routine that you are doing together and it lowers the stress, right? It increases the psychological safety that your daughter can be experiencing, especially after like these big, emotional events that can be happening. Okay. Alright. V stands for validate the Emotion, and I know that. There's a lot in the parenting world that's like a lot about validation. It's kind of having like a moment right now, but it doesn't have to be as like. I don't know what the word is, like just permitting everything that your daughter is saying maybe negatively about herself. I think that's where we get a little nervous is that we're like, I don't wanna like make her seem like I'm agreeing with her because sometimes she really is beating herself up. So how this validation, how I like to imagine it is like you're holding up a mirror, you're reflecting back to her and this actually goes win or lose, right? Like if your daughter is experiencing like a massive win, a pr, like really exciting things like. Then this mirror analogy works there too, because you're mirroring back like you are so proud of yourself right now. Or I can tell you're really excited about that. You've worked hard for it. You're just mirroring back her emotion. And so even just saying like, you're feeling disappointed right now, that makes a lot of sense. Okay. We don't wanna say things like, it's not a big deal, it's just a game. Come on. Like you'll do better next time. Or Remember all the good things you did. Like this is our tendencies to try and get her to positive right away. But confidence actually isn't like. Feeling good all the time or being positive all the time. Confidence is trusting yourself. Dr. Becky Kennedy again, coined that definition of confidence is confidence is self-trust. And so when your daughter is feeling like disappointed, angry, sad, upset, like. That's all her actually, you know, responding appropriately to what happened. And instilling confidence in her is actually just telling and naming like what she's feeling. She might not have the vocabulary yet, to name what that emotion is, but just saying like, Hey, I believe you, you really know you feel that way is confidence building. Now if she's really saying, she's kind of going off the tracks and being like, I am the worst person. I should, I don't deserve to be on this team and you know, blah, blah blah. just these self-deprecating things like. You don't have to agree with that. The thing I love to say is I think from Dr. Lisa Damore she said, you and I both know that's not true. Okay. So it's kind of pointing out like it's not true, but it would be really hard to feel that way. So it's like kind of adding some distance between what she's saying, but it's also recognizing that like yeah, you're feeling behind that is very true. What you're actually saying isn't true. You're not the worst person on the team. You are there for a reason. You know all of that, but the feeling behind it is true. So, mirroring back, I also like to give the analogy of being a reporter. So you're hearing her talk and this is assuming that she is talking to you. So maybe you do say something like, Hey, do you wanna talk about the game? Or, I'm noticing you're little bit disappointed. Do you wanna chat? I'm here if you need it. Things like that. So maybe she is sharing a little bit and we don't wanna ruin that moment by shutting her down and being like, remember all the good things, or don't be so negative like. Just, saying things like, tell me more, or, just allowing her to process really helps her process. Okay. But the reporter analogy is like she's sharing with you and you're just repeating back what you're hearing. Almost putting like a headline on it, right? Like, ah, you missed a serve on game point and that wasn't what you wanted to have happen. Okay. Is that accurate? And then just like, kind of throw it back to her and that allows her just that processing. You'll notice that she's gonna be actually moving through those emotions a lot faster. And we're not trying to shut down the emotion. It's like, yep, you're experiencing it, you know? Yeah. We're gonna sit in it for a little bit. I'll help you process it, and then we're gonna get over it. Okay. And we're gonna move on. And the getting over it is the E of the LOVE. So to kind of recap so far, L let her lead O open the space V, validate the emotion. E as in encourage inward. So once her emotions kind of settle, and this could be. As far as the timeframe goes, this could be within like, you know, a few hours span that this is all happening, but it also could be within 12 hours or 24 hours, that this maybe is happening. So maybe the e happens later. Those of you that have teens and pre-teens, like you'll notice that maybe they wanna talk and it's like 11 o'clock at night and you're like, oh my gosh, I wanna go to bed, but here you are, ready to talk, so we're gonna do it. Okay. So encourage inward just allows our athletes to reflect. It's kind of like. Putting it back on them in a really, a really good like, gentle, growth-minded way that strengthens their inner coach. So it's less of us giving her the answers and more of us helping her find the answers. So things like, what is one thing that you're proud of that you did even though it was a tough game? Okay, what do you wanna try differently next time? If a teammate felt how you were feeling, like maybe she has a great teammate on her team, what would you tell her? Things like that that help kind of reflect back. If you have an athlete that's like, well, I wanna hear what you thought of it. What did you think? I always love the phrase like, I'll tell you what I think, but I wanna hear first from you, what are three things that you felt went well and one thing you wanna improve on. So it's kind of like. Yeah, I'll give you my perspective, but first, what was your analysis of this? Okay. If you are the coach of your daughter's team, I'll make a side note about this. We've got some episodes about this, but a really great like just kind of activity that you can do with your daughter if you are her coach, because it is tough, like she sees. Coach, or she sees mom, but she hears coach, which could be kind of like critiquing, I will say, like post-game in that car, ride home. Let her choose if she wants you to be coach or mom. And I've even had some athletes in the program like put on a scrunchie, like on their wrist. Like a hair tie and that signifies like, fits on. I want you to be coach. If I take it off, I want you to be mom and talk about this ahead of time. You know, like, here's what mom sounds like post-game, here's what coach sounds like, postgame. And that's very different. You could also do that for pre-game, during game. You know, there's a lot of other scenarios that you could be in where what you would say as a mom is very different than what you'd say as a coach and making those boundaries clear, especially post-game, is really, really important. So the whole part of. E encourage inward is just to strengthen her inner coach, and less of you just providing all of the answers. Now we do have a whole like PDF of 25 key phrases that you can say before a game and after a game to help build her confidence. We actually give that to you for free for coming live to that training that I was talking about at the beginning of this episode. So if you go to train her game.com, that's where you can learn the key mental skills that your daughter needs to be mentally strong. Some things you can be doing to strengthen her mental game, but also when you show up live, we give you that 25 key phrases, p, d, f for free. It's kinda like a cheat sheet that you can bring with you, to your game. You can literally be like, all right, here she is, she's coming to the car. Okay, here are the things I can say. So it's a really great, resource to have. So that's that. Train her game. Dot com. All right, wrapping up here, mamas, I hope this is a kind of a helpful framework to help, guide that post-game conversation. I'll let her lead, oh, open the space. It's gonna be great if you can just create some rituals and routines with your athlete to open up the space for her, invite her to, you know, partake, if you will, v validate the emotion and e encourage inward, asking those really good questions that encourage reflection for her so that she's shining that lens. Inward rather than outward trying to get validation from everybody else. Okay, so that is what I have for you moms. Remember, train her game.com is where you can go for that free training to learn more skills like this. Get that 25 key phrases, and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.