Let's face it, sometimes the hardest part of youth sports isn't the games. It's the sidelines. Whether it is gossip or negativity or criticism from other parents, it can create unnecessary stress for you as a sports parent and also for your athlete. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about why this happens, how it affects your athlete, and then three simple strategies to. Protect yourself in these moments. And if I haven't met you, I'm Coach Bree. I'm a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and you are listening to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. This podcast is for you if you are a sports parent, whether you are just getting started on the journey or you've got a lot of seasons under your belt. We are here for you to help you raise a confident, mentally strong girl athlete. And part of that whole journey of raising an athlete is dealing with the parents of other athletes. And I'm sure that you have formed some amazing relationships with a lot of parents who are also on your daughter's team, but there's also the ones that are. Challenging to work through and work with. And it happens more often than not, especially with moms and dads that are in our program, the elite mental game. Once they start to learn strategies on how to interact with their child, how to make sure what their kid needs from the sideline and before, competitions and after they start to notice that everyone else is potentially not doing that, and they're like, oh my gosh, do they know that they're. Not helping their athlete and, you know, all of this, you just become a lot more aware and sometimes you can become even more aware, even if you, haven't been through our program haven't been to our training yet, you're like, this negativity is just not the vibe. Like how do I deal with it? So we're gonna be diving into all of that to today, but before I do, I wanna give a shout out to a mom inside our community. Her name is Jennifer and her daughter plays futsal, and soccer, and they recently joined our program, the Elite Mental Game. This is our signature mental training program for girl athletes to learn just basic skills to navigate the normal parts of being an athlete, like pre-game nerves of comparison of anxiety, stress, how to come back from mistakes, like all of these things that. Athletes need, but typically are not taught from their coach because coaches are not typically sports psychologists or have a lot of time to teach these skills, but athletes absolutely need them. So Jennifer said this in her group. She said she made a pass that resulted in a goal being scored against her. At the very beginning of her futsal game on Saturday, she used her snap back and went on to have an in. Incredible game. Coach said it was her best one, yet the next day she had another football game, guesting for another team. She said before the game, it was the most nervous she had been in a while. She was using the techniques from the program and the pre-competition routine. And played so well that the other team's coach complimented her play and a couple parents complimented her to me. Now this is pretty cool. Um, Jennifer's daughter, clearly, you know, we always say that it's not the mistake that matters, it's the response. And her daughter clearly had an incredible response to that mistake. Mistakes are gonna happen. This is athletics. That's why we have our kids in athletics to make mistakes and learn how to respond. But they don't know how to respond if they haven't been taught how to do it. And we teach something called the Snapback Routine Program. It's the first thing that athletes. Learn Jennifer's daughter use it to come back from what could potentially be a really debilitating or moment that could cause an athlete to spiral. Like having a goal score against you like that can trigger, you know, athletes to kind of go into a funk and maybe not play as well the rest of the game. Not Jennifer's daughter, she used her snap back, got back, um, in the game, played really well. And then to be able to turn around and deal with her nervousness before a really big moment for her. Use the pre-competition routine. Use the breath work. I mean, that's what it's all about. So if you want to help your daughter learn some of these skills as well, you can check out our free training that's at train her game.com. That's our free training where you can learn how to support your athlete daughter's mindset. But we're also at that training, we talk about the elite mental game and you get a discount as well for attending the training. So discount honor program. Okay, let's get into today's episode. Talking about. Just the gossip and the negativity from other parents. Why does this happen? I'll, I'll tell you right now, we talk about like drama on teams. The drama between parents and moms and dads like can be even worse. We like expect our kids to be able to navigate drama. When like you look at their parents and you're like, what? Okay, like what about the parents? Like, can we start there and have some way to model this? We can't expect like, you know, 13, 14, 15 year olds to be able to handle conflict when their parents aren't actually doing that. So. But I will say in competitive sports, emotions run high. Parents want their best for their kids, and sometimes they can project their frustration, their stress, their competitive drive onto other people. They might criticize coaching decisions, other players, or even your athlete's performance, which can be problematic. And it's common in these competitive environments. That does not mean that it is to be tolerated. Okay? Sometimes, parents find themselves in situations where they need to vent or they want, and so you also find that there's just. In life. There's people who are more negative, like tend to just kind of find the negative in situations. They wanna pull you down into it because they want somebody to agree with them. They wanna feel better about their situation. Maybe they're embarrassed about a situation, so they want to like blame other people and then get other people involved so that people are on their side. Like you see this in middle school and high school athletics, but you also see it from the parents on the sideline, which is too bad. We also know that what we look for. We find and what we focus on expands. So this actually really impacts your athlete when it comes down to it, because, you know, although we think it's kind of limited to the parents potentially. What's happening is you're creating an environment that is not positive. If we're constantly criticizing coaching, criticizing players, complaining about things being negative, you're creating that environment and what we look for, we find, and so when parents are doing that, you're just like. Putting that out into your, your environment and potentially like just creating more of it. The metaphor I always give to athletes, and this is interesting because what I'm gonna talk about today is the exact thing that I talk to athletes about. When they come to me and say that their teammates are being negative, like this is exactly what I tell them on how to handle it. And one of the things I say is that what you look for, you find, and the metaphor I give is that a couple summers ago I noticed in our backyard there was like this corner of the yard that was growing a bunch of weeds. And we would weed that area and then the weeds would just come back really fast. And I'm like, there's no other like part of the yard that this is happening to. And then where the grass was around that area. Like the actual grass that we wanted to grow and thrive was like slowly dying. It was like becoming brown in summer and it was just like that area. And it wasn't until it dawned on me that I was out there and all of a sudden the sprinkler system went on and I was like, oh, the sprinkler in that area is pointed the wrong direction. It's literally pointed at that corner where the weeds are, and it's not watering the grass where it should be. So it's a classic example of like we were literally watering the weeds. What we were focusing the water on was growing instead of where we wanted it to grow was. The grass right next to it. That's where we wanted the water to go, but it wasn't, and so what we were watering grew. The same thing happens here. So it wasn't until I adjusted the sprinkler head to water what I wanted it to water, that the grass started thriving and the weeds started dying. And so that's why it's really important that you are aware of like how the negativity impacts your experience, your athlete's experience. Now, I'm not saying that we have to be like. You know, Pollyanna, false positivity. And if there are real issues that are happening, then deal with those in an appropriate way. Like if there is an issue with a coach, if there is an issue with another player, you deal with it by managing that conflict, by going and talking to the person, by being a person who talks to people, not about people. And that's exactly what I tell athletes to do too. You've gotta go to the source if you need support from a parent to have that conversation. Yes. But. The more that you talk to other people about it instead of the person about it. The worse things get the more you're gonna water the weeds and the more negativity is going to happen. And then eventually, if you don't take care of it, like the weeds are just gonna take over. So that's why it's important to like protect your peace when it comes to this because negativity is a lot easier to fall into. It's a lot more fun to criticize things and gossip about things. Yeah, I mean, that's just human nature. So, but we know that that comes with a downside. So some three, three tangible tips that I would recommend if you're in this situation with some gossip on the sidelines. First of all, you have to decide that you are not gonna be the parent that engages in the gossip and the negativity. Like make that your identity. And I tell that to, athletes as well is like, you get to decide, you get to choose if you are going to engage in this or not. When it comes down to it, it's your choice. And we talk about that inside our program, the elite mental game with athletes. We have a whole section on how to rise above teammate drama, and we say first thing, like pretty much. What's your identity when it comes to this? Like, are you the mom, that likes to be the gossiper and that's your identity, that's what you wanna be known for? Or are you the person who doesn't? And, tell that to athletes as well. Like, are you the one who likes to like, meddle in all the drama? And I know it's hard because sometimes it can come with some social isolation and that goes for parents as well. But you have to decide that this is more important, like. You not engaging in the gossip and the drama is more important than you being accepted by people who are gossiping and being super dramatic. Okay. But that actually isn't one of the tips. That's just like a side note. But number one, put your headphones in, ignore the noise. Literally you can put headphones in.'cause if you're on the sideline, you can put headphones in or use this as a metaphor to kind of block out what the noise is. And this is kind of like the. Lowest lift version of this, like you can literally just ignore it. You can distance yourself from those people. You can sit in a different spot. You can put in headphones so that you're not hearing the other people around you. I had a mom recently that was like, I actually just play like my favorite music on my head, and she was actually an Olympic athlete and she's like the parents on the sideliner driving me nuts. It is interesting that most parents who've either played a sport at a high level or coached a sport. Are typically not the ones that are on the sidelines being the people who are like shouting unnecessary things or engaging in the gossip. But you could like put in your own. She's like, I put in my headphones and my kid one time asked me like, why do you always have headphones in? And she was like, it's like I have my own personal highlight reel of your performance right in front of me. I've got the music playing in the background. I get to watch you do your thing. And it's like, so awesome. And so that's like her experience. And so by practicing this like headphone mentality. You're also showing your athlete that like noise doesn't need to control the experience. Like this negative noise. Like you can choose to control like certain parts of your experience by distancing yourself. You know, having the headphones in ignoring like that is an option and parents are gonna quickly realize like, you're not the one that they're gonna come to gossip to. And I will say, I know it's hard, I mentioned this with athletes as well, like that social piece of it. And so yeah, we wanna make sure that we're like connected to the other parents and all of that. Like totally, you know, I don't know, be like, you don't wanna be like completely standoffish, but you know what? You've also gotta protect your piece because you know how important it is and you also don't want to get caught in, caught up into it. Yeah. Okay. Number two, set boundaries with other parents. And I tell athletes it's kind of like. You're building a fence around your yard, right? And you get to decide who comes in and who comes out. All right? So your emotional wellbeing and your athlete's emotional wellbeing is what you're wanting to protect. So you need to be firm in setting the boundaries about what enters that space. So if conversation turns negative and you don't wanna engage, you can redirect, you can move yourself. I always recommend things like. just saying something like, you know, I prefer to keep things positive, or I don't really get involved in that type of conversation. Those are like lighter examples of it. The other lighter example of it is like, acting naive or, just like not engaging, like nodding, but not adding to it. Saying things like, oh, that's interesting. That hasn't been my experience. Things like that. Or like, oh, huh, yeah. Interesting. Like, things like that that are like, I'm not engaging. Okay. I'm giving you a response, but I'm saying things like. That hasn't been my experience or Oh, that's interesting. That would be tough, huh? You know, and just kind of like acting a little naive instead of like engaging in it. Okay. Now if you wanna set like a firmer boundary, and I'll talk later about like if, these parents are criticizing other athletes, which is clearly not appropriate, or criticizing the coach, which, you know, there may or may not be truth to what they're saying, but it doesn't do you any good to like engage negatively. With that conversation, you can say like, you know, I think that the coach is doing the best they can. I prefer to assume that the coach is doing the best that they can or, Hmm. That sounds like a conversation you need to have with their coach, or, oh, that sounds like a conversation you need to have with that player. Just to kind of redirect, like, Hey, I'm not the one that you should be talking to about this. Or, a little more firm would be like, these are children, we should not be talking about them like this. Just to say like these are literal children. Okay. Even if your athlete is a senior in high school, they're a child. And so just reminding them that like, why, what is the point of like criticizing children out there and, and being super negative about that? So setting boundaries in whatever way feels comfortable for you, allows you to kind of stand firm in what you believe. And also it signals to the other parent that like, I'm not your girl. Like, I'm not the one that you're gonna be being negative with, and all of that. Because once you like, kind of into that drama. You know, the sports world is small and just do not want to be associated with that. At least I don't Okay. Speaking as a sports parent myself, like if there is an actual issue, I'll work with the coach, I'll work with the athlete, but, you know, things like that, that's my approach, not I'm gonna gossip on the sideline with other. Players or other parents. The other thing about it is, especially when it comes to talking about the coach, and I obviously am more sensitive to this because I am a coach and, it's just sad. Like some of the things that parents kind of turn to, especially when it comes and I understand why it happens, because there's a lot of ego embarrassment depending on like what the situation is and they want to. Offload and blame other things, and other people. And there could be a situation going on with the coach, but especially engaging around like, your daughter's coach or even like, this goes a little bit into a different category, but complaining to your daughter about your daughter's coach is the fastest way to add to the team drama that's already happening. Okay. If parents are like dramatic on the sidelines and engaging in gossip, like. Probably like what I see as a coach happen is that those same parents are also engaging in negative conversations with their daughters or with their athletes. And here's why this is problematic. When you are talking to your daughter about the negative, like being negative about their coach, like, why did the coach play this person? Or why did they do this? And just like going down the rabbit hole. And you're driving a wedge between your daughter and her coach. It's the fastest way to add drama and also create a lot of self-doubt in your athlete because now they're like, well, I love my mom. I love my dad, but I also need to respect and listen to my coach. But clearly my parent doesn't respect my coach, so now they're in this like weird tug of war situation. And like I said, you're watering the weeds. Your daughter's not going to find all of the things that the coach is doing wrong. And when we go into that mentality, of course she's gonna find other things that are wrong. Like when we are negative. Like when you buy a new car and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, everybody else has the car. No, not the truth. It's like you're just trying to find all the things that are wrong and that is not great for the athlete experience, of course. So this a few times, if there are actual issues. Actual issues there. We have all sorts of podcast episodes on how to help your daughter talk to their coach. We work on this inside our program, elite Mental Game. We give athletes a five step framework on how to talk to their coach. We also give parents resources on when to step in and when to support and when to let your daughter deal with it on her own. Like all of those are really healthy ways to deal with this. That is the route you need to go, but complaining to your daughter about your daughter's coach. Is not teaching her any sort of good skill to be able to handle that besides becoming a victim and complaining when things are hard and I feel like I haven't gotten the fair shake, then I'm just gonna complain about it and become the victim. Like, okay, you're teaching her that and then you're also driving a wedge between her and her coach, making it very difficult for your daughter to respect. Their coach for them to even have a productive conversation if you're like bashing the coach and then like, Hey, you should go talk to your coach. Like, why would I do that? Okay. And so it's very important that you model this for your daughter because she's gonna be in situations where she can easily go negative, where she can easily blame other people. And so. How are you modeling how you want your daughter to navigate those situations? So I just caution that because I have found that the parents that complain the most and gossip the most, and when I say complaint, it's just like they're talking with other parents in a negative way, are typically the ones that are also doing that with their daughters. And their daughters are the ones that are creating drama on the team. Now, that's not always the case, but I've been coaching long enough to kind of see this as a pattern. And so be aware of, of that dynamic as well. And just another caution around those parents who are also doing it, because that can sometimes be where drama starts is from, from parents. Okay. Not always, but sometimes. All right. And the last piece of that is, you know, my third kind of point in this is focus on what you can control. All right. And that is a great way to model resilience. I tell athletes that it's like a, I want you to imagine that you have like a battery pack. And when you're around these negative people, your job is to protect your battery and to keep your battery charged. Do not let these other people drain your battery. Like protect your piece. Make sure that you are connecting with people who are positive. You've got one to two teammates on your, team. Who are your people, and you can really count on them like. Make them, you know, allow them to charge you up and. And don't let other people drain you. And so focusing on what you can control in this situation by setting boundaries, by ignoring, by, you know, signaling like, Hey, we're, I'm not the one that you're gonna gossip to. That is key. Now, if it crosses a line, I've heard this from some parents in our community that like other parents will criticize, the other parent's kid, basically, if a parent is criticizing your kid. Step in, step up, say something. You don't need to like tiptoe around that, like, that's not appropriate. Please do not talk about my daughter like that. That is not okay. That is not helpful. Like, yeah, you might not be liked. Whatever. Okay. You're, you do need to protect your daughter as well and stand up for her in those situations because that's not appropriate. And really it's projection of insecurities is kind of what it comes down to. Okay. I hope that that is a helpful start for you if you are dealing with gossip and negativity on the sidelines. If you've got specific questions that you wanna ask, you can always DM me at Elite Competitor Coach, to kinda go deeper into any of these things, if you want the like step-by-step framework on how to develop your athlete's mental game and confidence. And also for you as a parent, what to say, what to not say. Like all of those things, head to our free training@trainhergame.com. I go over how you as a parent can develop confidence in your athlete, how you can give her the mental skills that she needs to navigate situations like this, like negativity from other teammates because you know that she is either in it right now or she's going to be in it. And we also talk about our program, the Elite Mental Game, and give you a discount for that on the training. So that's at train her game.com. All right, moms, I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.