Speaker 1: 1:12

Moms, if you find your athlete daughter beating herself up over silly mistakes, focusing only on the negative or doubting herself before she even steps onto the field or court to compete, this episode is for you. The good news about all of this is that these are mindset issues which you probably have already identified, and her mindset and her mental game is coachable. Today, we're talking all about how to build a mentally strong girl athlete the three things that you need to teach your athlete daughter in order for her to be mentally strong and confident. And if I have not already met you, I'm Coach Bree. I am the co-founder of the Elite Competitor. I'm a mental performance coach for girl athletes and the host of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. Whether you are a sports mom who is just getting going on this journey or you have a lot of seasons under your belt, this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a mentally strong and confident girl athlete, and that's specifically what this episode is all about. And, by the way, if you are a sports dad, you are more than welcome to be here as well. We're diving in today to three key things that I have identified athletes in our program having this skill not just a skill that they possess, but a skill that they have trained and practiced. That is resulting in more mental strength, ability to bounce back quicker from mistakes, handle setbacks, not beat themselves up after one bad thing that happens in a game. So we're going to dive into all of it. Before I do, I want to give a shout out to a mom in our community. She's a mom of an athlete who's going through our signature mental training program, the Elite Mental Game. This is our self-paced online training program for girl athletes to learn the key essential mental training skills to build their confidence and mental strength.

Speaker 1: 2:50

She said this my daughter finished third place today in her tennis tournament. It was a big deal for us because in the past, in all the other tournaments she's played, her mind was just not right and she froze and would lose all of her matches. She won three or four matches and the match she lost was to a girl four years older. The girls that got first and second were also high school girls and my daughter was only in seventh grade. The most special part of this day was when she was tired and hurting and fought back to play her final match and win. She didn't want to play, but she persevered. I watched her take the time she needed by bouncing the ball longer before a serve, or even just making sure she blew her nose when she had a break. She was taking care of herself. She says she used her snapback routine all day and in every match. I'm so excited to see that and how the elite mental game program is serving her as she competes. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 3:39

Okay, there's so much goodness in this that I could go into, but first I just want to give a huge congratulations to you, to this mom, andrea, to her daughter, who was clearly working on her mental game during this competition. And I'm gonna be honest with you right now. I've had some hate on some of my posts recently mostly from men, if I'm totally honest, but they're saying things like teaching athletes mental skills, like their snapback routine, like having breath work to be able to respond to challenges, is making them soft, it's gentle parenting, it's raising a snowflake, and to that I want to show them this I'm like her daughter was sick. Her daughter didn't want to play and yet she was able to use the mental skills that she learned to make sure that she actually was out there and competing and winning. And to those people who think that teaching your athlete mental training skills is going to make them soft, I'm going to tell you right now that you're wrong. You are absolutely wrong about that. In fact, you're doing the opposite. You are allowing your daughter to have the skills she needs to build her capacity to do hard things, to respond to mistakes instead of letting one mistake turn into two, three, four, five and spiral out of control to not beat herself up. These are natural things that a lot of girl athletes do and aren't inherently taught skills on how to not do them, and so teaching mental training skills is not making kids soft. In fact, it's completely the opposite. Case in point here, with this message that Andrea sent us Congratulations, keep doing the work You're doing awesome.

Speaker 1: 5:07

All right, let's get into it. Let's talk about the three things that you can be teaching your athlete daughter so that she can be mentally strong and confident in her sport. The first thing is her thoughts. That is the key of mental training. The key in the crux of having a strong mindset is what is she thinking about and what is she focusing on? You are already seeing it with your daughter when she is beating herself up or she's tearing herself down or she's saying I can't do it. That is literally what happens in her sport, and you're already saying to her things like stop thinking so negatively or don't say that, because you know how important and how powerful the words are that she says to herself and the words that she says out loud, because those things really do impact how she shows up in her sport.

Speaker 1: 5:54

One little tool that we give athletes in our program is the thought wheel, and we use this to demonstrate how important thoughts are and how important being aware of your thoughts are, because most athletes actually don't think about what they're thinking. They're not aware that all of these negative thoughts are actually making them play worse, and we think over 50,000 thoughts a day, and average athletes are just like thinking these things and accepting them as true. So a thought pops into their head like, oh, I'm the worst player, or oh gosh, I don't deserve to be on this team, or coach hates me and all these things, and they just are like, okay, yeah, I'm going to choose to think that and then believe that, and then that becomes their reality. Elite, confident athletes, when they have the ability to master their thought, work, and I'm going to give you like a very simple tool that we teach athletes to do this know that they don't have to accept every single thought as fact. In fact, they can let thoughts come and go.

Speaker 1: 6:44

The analogy I give is at a sushi conveyor belt. You know, when you're there, I love going to like the conveyor belt sushi, judge me, if you want, it's delicious. But you know, the sushi is coming around and there are things that I like and things that I don't like. The things that I don't like, I literally just let them pass me by. I don't have to like take it off the conveyor belt. The same thing is true for your athlete. When they learn that they don't have to accept every thought as fact, they can let that sushi go on by. It's like I don't need what serves me and I'm going to let the things that potentially aren't even true pass me on by, okay, and so they first don't need the ability to do that.

Speaker 1: 7:24

And the tool, like I was about to say, is the thought wheel, and I want you to imagine with me five arrows, okay, five arrows, and they're creating a circle and the arrows go into each other. The first arrow is situation. Okay, your athlete is in situations all the time. We all are right. She can't control a lot of the situations that she is in, but she does control what she thinks about them. Okay, the next arrow is thought. Okay, situations lead to thoughts. All right, she can choose to think a variety of things. So say, she's in a situation like she's not getting the playing time that she wants, or she feels like her coach doesn't like her. All right, the thought that she can think about those things is yeah, I'm not getting playing time because I'm the worst one on the team and my coach hates me. All right, that's the thought that you're choosing to think. Our brain doesn't want to be wrong, so it's going to make sure that everything in her environment is confirming that thought, because thoughts lead to emotions, lead to feelings, and so she's thinking those thoughts.

Speaker 1: 8:17

She's probably not having like amazing feelings, right she's. She feels like she's the worst one, or coach hates her. She's probably thinking like, or she's probably feeling unmotivated, discouraged. She goes to practice, goes to training, with those feelings. Feelings lead to action or inaction. So if she is in training feeling unmotivated, she feels like her coach doesn't like her, like all these negative things, she's probably not going to play her best.

Speaker 1: 8:40

We know that athletes don't play their best when they are like beating themselves up and not feeling motivated, and this could be happening at the subconscious level. She might not even know that this is happening. So she's going into practice. She's probably not playing her best. Maybe she's even avoiding coaching from her coach because she feels like they don't like her. And what results is she gonna get? Because actions on that next arrow leads to results. Well, she's not playing her best. She's not asking for coaching. She's maybe not even working on her weaknesses because she doesn't wanna like look stupid. What results is she going to get? She's probably not gonna be improving in her sport.

Speaker 1: 9:19

And that last arrow, the results, leads right back into situation. Okay, like I said, it's a circle. These five arrows all go into each other. Okay, and what situation is she going to be in If those are the results that she's getting? She's going to be on the bench still confirming that thought. My coach doesn't like me, I'm the worst one, I suck, and it goes around and around and around that circle. Okay, so that circle again is thoughts leads to feelings. Feelings lead to action or inaction. Actions lead to results. Results put you back into your situation, okay, and so she's just going around and around without the skill of changing her thoughts.

Speaker 1: 9:43

Now imagine this is what we help athletes with in our program. Okay, we tell them you get to choose your thoughts. Not all thoughts are productive. You get to choose what you think about situations. You don't always get to control the situation. So imagine if the situation doesn't change. She's not getting the playing time she wants, but she chooses instead of thinking my coach doesn't like me or I'm the worst one on the team. She is aware that.

Speaker 1: 10:02

Okay, maybe that's the initial thought. I think about this, but it's not serving me. I'm going to put that back on the sushi conveyor belt and I'm going to choose a new thought. Maybe it's something like this is hard, but I can do hard things. I'm going to figure this out. There's an opportunity here. Okay, so more productive thoughts.

Speaker 1: 10:17

Those thoughts are probably going to lead to feelings of optimism, maybe a little more hope, more motivation. She's going to practice feeling that way. Maybe she is working on her weaknesses. Maybe she is having a conversation with her coach. Maybe she's like going before practice, staying after a little bit. Maybe she's like watching more film, like she's really working on it. What results is that gonna get? Based on those actions, I'll tell you right now my athletes who are doing that they're getting better, they're improving and that's gonna improve her situation. It might not get her the exact playing time she wants, because ultimately that's out of her control, but she is going to be improving in her sport, she's probably gonna be enjoying it and, best of all, she's not going to have this thought that is she's carrying around about that she doesn't feel good enough and that her coach doesn't like her and you're trying to like talk her out of that. Okay, she's not going to have that limiting thought.

Speaker 1: 11:00

Because here's the other really important thing about this is that thoughts, when they go around that circle over and over again, they then become beliefs. Okay, beliefs are really important because your daughter's belief about herself sets her ceiling it. Okay, beliefs are really important because your daughter's belief about herself sets her ceiling. It also lives in her subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind controls 90 of what we do, and so if she is not like getting her thoughts in check and she's letting those thoughts turn into beliefs, now they are carrying with her, like she's carrying that with her and it's going to impact everything that she does in her sport and in her life.

Speaker 1: 11:31

The analogy I love to give on that you've probably heard this before if you've been around our community is the smoothie analogy. Okay, I make a smoothie every day. I love my chocolate peanut butter smoothie. I'm going to have one right after I get done recording this. And when I'm done with my smoothie, there's that smoothie remnant on the inside of the glass. When I go to the sink and I rinse that off right, right away, I hardly even need to wash it. Okay, but the thing that happens when I forget about my smoothie, like I finish it and then it's like sitting on my desk for a while and then I find it a couple hours later and I'm like shoot, I didn't rinse this out right away. Now the smoothie is like hardened on the inside of the glass. I have to like let it soak. I got to chip away that chia seed. Is like concrete on the inside. It's like hard and it's possible to clean it, obviously, but it takes a lot more time. It takes a lot more effort.

Speaker 1: 12:16

That is the same thing that happens when your daughter has the skill to shift her thoughts and not let them consume her and not let them turn into beliefs. It is like she can just say, hey, that thought's not serving me, I'm gonna choose something new and she moves on okay. But when she doesn't, it's like that smoothie that gets hardened and hardened it becomes more ingrained in her. So that's why it's so important that your daughter is aware of what she's thinking and aware that she can actually have the power to shift what she's thinking and what she's focusing on. Okay, we actually break this down even further in our free training for sports moms. So if you want to really go a little bit deeper with this on how you can help your daughter with this skill, head to trainhergamecom. We, with this on how you can help your daughter with this skill, head to trainhergamecom, we have that free training for you. It's about 45 minutes Plus we've got some Q and A at the end and we really break down like here is how you can help your daughter shift those thoughts. So definitely check that out if you have not already at trainhergamecom.

Speaker 1: 13:05

Okay, the second thing so that was the first thing is mastering thought work. Like we've got to what she thinks about, what she focuses on, expands thoughts lead to reality like this is such a big piece of the mental game. Number two, though, is how she is responding to challenges, especially mistakes. Okay, this is one of the biggest challenges that I see in athletes, and I've coached thousands of athletes. I am a head volleyball coach myself, so I have a team that I've been working with I've been coaching for over 12 years. We won four state championships, and this is still the biggest issue that I see athletes struggling with responding to mistakes and errors, and typically, what happens is they let one turn into two and three and they spiral, and they don't really know how to get out of it. They make a mistake, and then they're afraid to make another mistake, and so they hesitate, and then that ends up like making more mistakes.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Okay, and so the difference, though, between average athletes and confident elite athletes is that they can get over mistakes fast, and the longer it takes your athlete to recover from a mistake, the more that they're going to be behind, the more they're probably going to be beat by their opponent Like. The faster they can get over their mistake, the more competitive advantage they have, and, actually, the more fun that they have. So athletes who can respond to mistakes fastest are the ones who are typically competing at the higher levels. And even if your daughter isn't competing at a high level, just this ability to not let mistakes derail her is one of the number one traits of a confident, mentally strong athlete. So we teach the bounce back in a snap method and you can actually get a breakdown of that at that free training as well, at train her game. But I'll go over it quickly right now.

Speaker 1: 14:32

First, out the gate, they have to have a mindset shift around mistakes. In general, they need to see mistakes as something that is a learning opportunity for them and is a way for them to improve. And likely you're telling them that, but sometimes it's not landing because it's coming from you, but you know that's another story. But right out the gate they have this awareness that mistakes aren't actually to be avoided. The second part of this bounce back in a snap is that they're aware of when they're getting out of flow state. Flow state is where athletes are performing their best. They're not really thinking that much and I kind of describe this like a traffic light. So that's like green on the traffic light they are playing well.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Yellow is maybe a mistake happens. A coach says something, a ref says something. They get bumped out and then sorry, yellow, that's yellow. Red is they are dysregulated, like they can't come back from a mistake. They maybe are getting pulled out now and average athletes go from green to red really fast. It's hard to bring them back down. In fact they typically don't come back down until the game is over. But competent athletes can recognize and be aware of when they're heading into yellow and they're like okay, this feels a little different.

Speaker 1: 15:32

This is a situation where I typically would spiral and they have a skill to come back to green and we call that skill a snapback routine in our organization and it basically is a failure recovery method. Our snapback routine takes less than a second, even less, it could just be a thought, one word that athletes say. But our typical routine is a breath, a reset word at the top and a reset signal at the bottom of the breath. So inhale, say the reset word, exhale, do the reset signal. So it's something simple like snapping their fingers, adjusting a hair tie, adjusting a sock, and that routine is rooted in sports psychology. The breath engages their parasympathetic nervous system. Their reset word is found based on prior successful experiences, but also how they want to feel in the moment They've actually visualized this ahead of time and then, on their exhale, that reset signal is a grounding mechanism that helps bring them back to the present moment, because athletes don't play well and they typically spiral when they are not in the present, and so getting back to the present moment is key for athletes and the snack pack routine helps them do that. So that is key.

Speaker 1: 16:29

Skill number two is do they have a way to respond to mistakes quickly, faster than their sport requires? Meaning, like you know, I coach volleyball, so I'll use that example. There's 15 seconds between serves, so if it takes your daughter two minutes to get over a mistake, she's behind, so she needs to come back faster than her sport requires. For those of you that have athletes who are playing like basketball and swimming and there's not a lot of breaks, then she's got to come back instantly, and so that's where we just use like one word in their brain to that they're thinking that they can use very quickly Okay, all right, that is number two.

Speaker 1: 16:59

Number one was her thought work. What is she focusing on? Does she know that she doesn't have to accept all the negative thoughts that come in? Can she shift her thoughts? Number two have a snapback routine or a failure recovery system to come back from mistakes.

Speaker 1: 17:10

Number three is more for us as parents. I think this is super important and it is this separate who she is from what she does. A lot of times where we are policing our praise, and I would say this is a skill more for us. This is a skill for us as parents because we do shape her environment and we, our job, is to shape her environment and provide her with opportunities. Mental training and physical training are those opportunities and how the environment that she is in really is determined by what we say out loud, what we are emphasizing, and so separating who she is from what she does is key.

Speaker 1: 17:42

I'll never get tired of reminding moms and dads and myself about this, because sometimes we get it crossed and it's very natural for us to praise the wonderful things that she's doing in her sport. You know all of the stats, the good, the wins, the championships. You know all of those things. And if we do that too much without actually recognizing, praising, like the effort, things that are in her control, who she is, we call them her positive innate qualities and we're just focusing on what she does. This is where we tend to have athletes who are tying their self worth with their performance in their sport, and you might not be able to see the impacts of that right now, like if you have a middle school or high school athlete but you will see the impacts of it and she will see the impacts of it and start to connect the dots when she becomes an adult and is like I have a problem with resting because my worth is tied to my output and my performance, and if I don't have a good performance and now, my whole day is ruined. And so tying that doesn't mean that she doesn't care about her performance, but she's tying how she feels about herself and her ability and her really allowing herself to feel good based on what she does. And so, as parents, we can shift what we're focusing on and our emphasis more to things that are in her control her effort, her preparation, her ability to be coachable, like all of those things she can replicate. She cannot always replicate the outcome of a game and the stats that she got last game.

Speaker 1: 19:00

Okay, also, who she is what. Who is she outside of her sport? Are you talking about things outside of her sport? Are you like cultivating those qualities? Is she funny? Is she a good friend? Is she the person who is helping people who need it? What are those qualities that you appreciate about your daughter that is not just tied to her athletic performance, and can you make sure that you are emphasizing those we tell moms in our program, like write sticky notes, put them on her window or on her mirror? She might think that you're weird at first, but you know just like hey, your art makes me smile. I love the way that you are so kind to your brother. That's not the case in my house, but maybe it is in yours. Things like that that you can emphasize outside of just her performance in her sport.

Speaker 1: 19:40

Okay, all right, as a recap, these top three skills mastering her thought work Okay, so. The ability to be aware of what she's thinking and shift to things that are more productive. Responding to challenges specifically a failure recovery system we call ours the snapback routine. And then three is having a parent who can separate who she is from what she does. So where are you placing your praise, where are you placing your emphasis?

Speaker 1: 20:01

I mentioned this a couple of times, but we go into a lot more depth on all three of these things inside our free training for sports parents at trainhergamecom. It is, like I said, totally free. In fact, we give you a gift when you show up live our 25 key phrases to say now. These are really good, confidence boosting phrases for your athlete that you can say before, during and after she competes. A lot of moms and dads just bring it like as their cheat sheet to competitions to help them. So head to trainhergamecom to check that out. It is probably the best 45 minutes that you'll spend, especially if you're heading into a weekend of competitions right, you can feel like prepared and you also will know how to best support her mental game. All right, moms, I'm Coach Brie. I am a mental performance coach for girl athletes and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.