Speaker 1: 1:12

Might be one of the toughest things that we go through as parents seeing your daughter get cut or rejected from a team. And although if you're going through this right now, it can be very painful and in fact, if you are real time, like this has just happened and you stumbled upon this episode, I'm so glad that you did. You're in the right spot, but it's so heartbreaking and you want to say the right thing. You want to help your athlete, you want to help your daughter, but you also don't want to make it worse. So we're stuck in this limbo land of what do we do? And then you also might be dealing with a little bit of like anger yourself, like you want to go talk to the coach, you want to figure this out. So let's talk about it all.

Speaker 1: 1:51

This actually was a question that was submitted from one of our listeners how do I help my daughter after she got cut? So we're going to dive into it and if I haven't met you, I'm Coach Brie. I'm the co-founder of the Elite Competitor. You're listening to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. Whether you are a sports parent just getting started on this whole journey, or maybe you have a lot of seasons on your belt. This podcast is for you, to help you raise confident girl athletes. All right, let's get into this. This will be a fast one, but we're going to cover a lot in this little Q&A episode.

Speaker 1: 2:18

This does happen to a lot of athletes getting cut, not making the team, not making the team they want. So maybe they wanted to make a certain team, they want to make JV and run a varsity, but they didn't. I don't know if I need to remind you, but Michael Jordan got cut. All right, he got cut from his high school team and it fueled him to become one of the greatest of all time. Not saying that that's everyone's path, but I think one of the things that you're going to walk away from this episode with is that it's not the end of the world. It might seem like it's the end of the world right now, especially for your athlete, if this, especially, is the first time that this has happened, or maybe it's happened a lot of times and she's like, oh my goodness. But the good news is that this doesn't have to define her and it actually can be the launching pad to something different, something else, and also teach her a valuable life lesson in the process.

Speaker 1: 2:59

And we talk about this inside the Elite Mental Game. This is our signature mental training program for girl athletes and speaking of that, I want to give a quick shout out to a parent in the Elite Mental Game. Her name is Michelle. She's talking about her daughter, who I think that this is really relevant to what we're talking about today. She said my daughter attended a high school camp. The teams seem to be divided into JV and varsity and after playing for most of the summer with the varsity team, she was put on a team with all girls from other schools on the JV court. Okay, and this is air quotes, jv court. My daughter channeled her disappointment, anxiety and anger into her playing. Her team won the camp tournament. She even won a gift card for her high energy and positivity.

Speaker 1: 3:42

One coach noticed her reset routine and said she stood out for her ability to bounce back, adding this to her list of strengths. This is a prime example of how an athlete who can choose to use these opportunities I'll use the word opportunities where she could easily be disappointed, she could easily shut down. She could easily be like I don't want to be on this court with these players. I don't, I deserve to be on a different court. She could have easily done that. I've seen several athletes as a coach myself do that and take that path. Michelle Staudter did not. She used the skills that she is learning inside the elite mental game. She is bouncing back. She's using your snapback routine. She's channeling that disappointment to decide hey, there's not much I can do about what court I got placed on. Like I'm here, I might as well channel all of this into playing my best, being the best teammate that I can, and to going all out. And not only did she get rewarded for that, her team won, she got noticed. I mean, this is really what it comes down to Her daughter, michelle's daughter just deciding that she was going to be the narrator of this experience rather than being the victim of it. And that's gonna be the common thread throughout this entire episode. That's why I'm so thrilled to share that win with you. So good job, michelle, for providing your daughter with those skills. Good job to your daughter for utilizing them All right.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Step one in this situation of your daughter being disappointed. Honestly, this applies to like more than just getting cut right. If your daughter is disappointed about something that happened, about a situation, the first thing you're going to do is the thing we talk about a lot. Give her space to feel it. I know that it can be difficult because you're like, well, I'm just going to come in and tell her like it's not the end of the world, it's going to be okay. Getting cut is a real loss for your athlete and when we rush in to fix it or push to the look at the bright side message too soon, that can really quickly backfire and can honestly become a situation where she's not going to want to come to you when she's in these disappointing times anymore. So you are her safe space.

Speaker 1: 5:37

Let her process without forcing conversation. Avoid phrases like everything happens for a reason, or it's not a big deal, or we'll find a way to turn this around I mean that one's not as bad as the previous two but instead try things like I know this hurts right now, I'm here when you want to talk, just validating, just seeing her and being like, yeah, this really sucks right now and I'm here and allowing her to have that space to process without you jumping in or trying to fix it or provide all the other solutions like hey, now this will free up some time or you'll be able to try out for a different sport, like all these solutions that are like totally logical. Just want to hear those in that moment. So allow her to process and be there for her, for her to talk. What you don't need to do is go to the coach. You don't need to take this into your own hands. Now it's okay if she has questions. I think it's totally okay for her to advocate for herself, for her to ask clarifying questions on what she could have done differently, what the basis for the decision was. All of that is totally within her rights.

Speaker 1: 6:33

But you overstepping and being that parent to be like I'm going to go to the coach and I'm going to like give them peace of my mind and you're probably going to like cut yourself out of the opportunities that your daughter will have in the future. Plus, that's actually not teaching your daughter anything around having her go through this experience and advocate for herself. This is more of like you know, if something bad happens in relation to my sport, my mom is just going to like jump in and fix it for me, which is really not setting her up for any sort of long-term success in her sport or in her life. So a word of caution against that. Even if you are dealing with some emotions yourself about all of this, like you can process those in a way that's healthy for you, instead of taking them out on the coach or your daughter or anything like that. So, be the safe space for her, feel it, deal with your emotions and how you're feeling about all of this without interfering with her processing.

Speaker 1: 7:20

Okay, number two reframe the narrative. Okay, this matters because this is one of those like pivotal launching pad moments for your daughter, and I love these moments. Although they're painful, they happen a lot. That's why we love athletics is because there's moments like this that happen all the time. It's one of those crossroads where she gets to decide how she's going to respond to this, because what happened, the cut that happened or the team that she didn't make, like that's not the thing. The thing is how she is going to respond to it, and we really want to empower our athletes to not be victims of their circumstances, but instead to be empowered to decide what they're going to do next.

Speaker 1: 7:57

So, yes, allow her to process, allow her to have space to feel how she's going to feel and then, when the time is right, asking her things like what do you think this is teaching you? Okay? Or where can we go from here? I'm here to support you, or this is happening for you, it's not happening to you. And separating her identity from this as well is really important, because this is a big blow likely to maybe her ego, and so making sure that she knows this is not defining her as a person. So saying something like getting cut doesn't mean you're not a great athlete, it just means this wasn't your moment yet, and so infusing that growth mindset of it's not your moment yet, okay, is really important when she's probably more than likely getting stuck in this fixed mindset of I'm not good enough.

Speaker 1: 8:44

Instead, changing this to this is a challenge that I can learn from, and she ultimately gets to decide that and this is inside EMG athletes all the time are using setbacks as feedback. We talk about how setbacks can become your comeback, and you actually can't have a comeback and you can't actually be your best until you hit some challenges, until you hit some hard times, and to be actually looking for those moments, and so this really isn't failure. This is something that she can decide where she's going to go from here, and it's gonna maybe take some exploration it's gonna take, maybe some support from you and asking questions like do you want me just to listen or do you want me to help you come up with solutions for your next step? That is a really good supportive way that you can help her move through this. All right, last step for this is build a comeback plan. That is finally what we would land on, hopefully after processing for a little bit. I would imagine that this whole process could take as little as a day, but as long as maybe a few days or a week, depending on like how severe this is feeling for your athlete. But the best way to move forward is to have a plan and not just wait until next time.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Okay, and this gives her a sense of control and a sense of motivation, and helping her identify what is in her control in this situation is key. So asking her things like even separating what is out of your control the decision by the coach is out of your control at this point. You can't do anything about it, and so we're going to move from that. But what is in your control? What can you do? You can work in the off season. If you still want to play this sport, you can look for other teams, you can look for other training opportunities. You can look for private trainers. If that is something that is applicable to your family, you can try another sport. There's all sorts of other things that she can actually do that's in her control, and when she is at this place, where she's ready to explore those options, those are going to seem like gold mines of like oh wow, there actually is a lot of opportunity here, okay, and so encouraging her to see what is in her control in this situation, when it feels like a lot is out of her control, is so empowering.

Speaker 1: 10:36

Now, training her mindset during this time is also super important. So this is like not just working harder but working smarter, because, depending on the reasons why she got cut, that's an important step to to kind of know and to realize is it, was it a lack of skill? Were there things that she needed to refine and improve on? Because that could create a plan for her between the tryouts. Is it something related to coachability or mindset, or coming back from mistakes or confidence? Because if it is falling in that category and I would argue that all athletes would benefit from increased mental strength and ability to handle the situations that come at them through sport, then training her mental game is also a really important step.

Speaker 1: 11:11

So obviously we have the elite mental game. That's our signature self-paced mental training program for girl athletes. I'll leave the link with information below. But we also have a variety of ways that athletes can train their mental game and kind of dip their toe in. Every month we do an athlete tip episode on the podcast so you can have her listen to those athlete tip episodes. But this is also a great way for her to hone in on some of those other sides of her sport. We also call them TNTs. I actually heard that from another coach TNTs takes no talent. So, yeah, she's going to be working on her physical skills, but what are those other parts of her game that take no talent that she can be developing in the off season as well? Her motivation, her snapback routine and ability to get over mistakes quickly. How does she deal with pressure? How is her body language? How is her confidence? All of those things make a big impact as well. When it comes to coaches determining their teams.

Speaker 1: 11:59

Okay, those are three ways forward in this situation and from mom to mom, if you are in this situation right now I feel you this is tough. It's not just tough for your athletes, probably tough for you for a variety of reasons. So just know that I see you and you are doing an awesome job, even just by listening to this episode, so that you can find a way forward. But first things first, be there for your girl and be that safe space for her to process emotions without trying to fix it.

Speaker 1: 12:24

Number two reframe the narrative. Help her reframe this story from victim to empowerment and then build that comeback plan with her so that she feels like she is more in control, moving forward and she has a path forward, whether that be she's going to train and she's going to train her mindset, she's going to train her physical game and come back stronger for the next tryout, or she is going to choose a different path and there's other opportunities out there. Having her know that this doesn't define her as a person is key in this whole process. All right, moms, I'm coach brie. I'm a mental performance coach for girl.