Speaker 1: 1:12

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast. I'm Coach Brie, a mental performance coach for girl athletes, and I'm so excited that you're here with me for today's episode. We're going to be talking about go-to phrases that you can just have in your back pocket to boost your athlete's confidence. I'm really excited about this. It's gonna be a shorter episode because I really want this just to be to the point and actionable and things that you can just grab and apply to the point and actionable and things that you can just grab and apply. But we're going to actually be talking about pre-competition, post-competition and then just day-to-day how we can be using our words to increase our athletes' confidence. Now, backing up a little bit, if you are a sports parent, you are in the right place Now. Whether you are just getting going on your daughter's sports journey maybe she's a little bit on the younger end, or you've got a lot of decisions under your belt this podcast is for you, to help you know how to raise a confident and mentally strong girl athlete. And before we get into today's episode, I want to highlight a mom who is doing just that inside our signature self-paced mental training program, the Elite Mental Game, and this program is for girl athletes, proven to increase their mental strength and confidence. It's accessible through an easy to use and totally athlete friendly platform that she can access wherever she wants, and Renata is the mom that I want to give a shout out to. She said that she goes. This program is amazing. Giving her space just to be sad and labeling her sadness and disappointment helped her so much. Then, when she was ready, we talked, we revisited her snapback routine and we did visualizations every day this week. Her coach said yesterday she was much better and my daughter texted you all on her own and read me the response this morning. It's so hard to be a girl in this world sometimes so grateful for this support. So Renata is highlighting a couple of things that actually we're going to hit on today, and that is how do we help build confidence in our athletes? By what we say, especially when they are disappointed or they are sad or they're not happy with their performance. And Renata was able to use one of the strategies that I'm going to talk about today to help her daughter navigate that. But then she also helped her daughter access the tools that she already has available to her in the elite mental game her snapback routine. This is our quick routine that athletes used in order to come back from mistakes in seconds, to help get them back in the present moment visualizations, which we know is proven rooted in sports psychology, to help athletes compete and perform their best. And what was really cool is that her coach noticed. Her coach is noticing that her daughter is better, and that's because Renata is using a two pronged approach. Renata herself is knowing what to say and what to do to help her athlete, and then her daughter has skills that she is leaning on to help her as well. So when those two things come together, that's where the magic happens. So congratulations, renata. I'm really happy for this win for you, for your daughter, and keep sending in wins and progress you're making All right.

Speaker 1: 3:55

Let's get into the episode for today, talking about phrases that you can use to boost your athlete's confidence. Like I said it, really, when it comes to building confidence your athlete, two things are what need to come together in order for this to be most effective. The first is what you are saying. Your words are really important. Your verbal and your nonverbal communication is super important. Today we're talking more about verbal.

Speaker 1: 4:17

And then her skills, or lack of determine her confidence. When I say skills, I mean, yeah, she's putting in the physical skills in her sport, but is she also developing the mental side of her sport as well? How is she talking to herself? What does herself talk like? What are her routines before and after she competes to get herself ready and to process? Does she have skills to come back from mistakes and setbacks in her sport? Because those are going to happen inevitably, and just telling her to shake it off or move on is not actually a mental framework for her to be able to work from. So does she have a skill like the snapback routine that Renata was talking about? Does she have these skills that can help her through the ups and the downs of her sport? Because you're not going to be with her through everything. You're not on the court with her, you're not on the field with her. So she needs to have processes, she needs to be aware of when she's talking to herself in an unproductive way, and a simple skill to shift that. So when those two things come together, that's really where the magic happens.

Speaker 1: 5:10

So in this episode I'm talking about what you can do, your role and your verbal communication, but if you wanna know more about how your daughter can develop these skills so that we get the other half of this equation. Make sure to check out our free training for sports moms. This is our quick. It's about 45 minutes of training, plus I have some Q&A at the end where I lay it all out on how to strengthen her mental game. So that's at trainhergamecom. You can register for your date and time and it's just where I lay it all out. So head there to get the other piece of this puzzle as well.

Speaker 1: 5:37

All right, let's get into it. I have this divided into three sections. I have day-to-day confidence, pre-game and post-game. Those are kind of like the three bigger buckets when it comes to your verbal communication and when you're talking to your daughter. So day-to-day, this is where she spends like most of the time. She's actually not spending most of her time actively in her sport, actively practicing and competing. Most of the time she's just day-to-day hanging out and doing the things that she does going to school, interacting with you, interacting with her friends, all of that. That's her day-to-day time, and the big thing that we want to highlight in this time are her positive innate qualities.

Speaker 1: 6:10

If you just did our what to Say Challenge with us a couple of weeks ago. You heard about this. This is basically who is your daughter, not just what she does in her sport. A lot of athletes get this kind of cross. They're like I am my sport, I am what I do in my sport.

Speaker 1: 6:28

And then their confidence is tied to the ups and the downs that happen, because when she does well or she wins, she's feeling really good about herself, she's feeling confident. But when she doesn't which is inevitable, it's gonna happen from a week to week basis likely she then is feeling really not confident in herself and in her abilities and we don't really want her confidence to have those big dips. We want to kind of make that, if we're looking at like a wave of an up and a down. We want the ups and the downs, the peaks, to be shortened right. We want her to be able to have an underlying steady state of confidence that will guide her through those moments. Doesn't mean she's going to feel good all the time. Confidence is not feeling good, but it's this sense of yeah, maybe I did not practice well. However, I am confident in my ability to tomorrow, go in and work on my weaknesses. I'm going to keep showing up. Not, I didn't practice well. Therefore, I am not a good person or I don't deserve to feel good about myself. I'm just going to be moping around for the next day and a half, okay, which I'm sure some of you have seen.

Speaker 1: 7:21

So one way that we can build her confidence is by recognizing what she, who she is, outside of her sport. So just even pulling those out, we tell moms, like, put a sticky note on her window or on her mirror that says, like what I something I love about you, okay, I love your smile. I love how you can bring humor to any situation. I love that you work hard, even when it's not easy. I love that you are a great teammate. You're an incredible listener. What are those qualities that you see in your daughter that are just who she is? And pulling those out, sending her a text, dropping those in conversation, you might get kind of a like what are you talking about, mom, okay, but that's okay, right, our kids are always listening. They are sponges, they're picking up the words from their environment and included in that are your words to them. So highlighting her positive and inequalities, finding ways where you can infuse just dropping those around, is key. Another like day-to-day thing, as she's talking to you.

Speaker 1: 8:17

Another phrase that you can use is very simple. It's I believe you, okay, not I believe in you. That's important too. You can say that all you want but I believe you is such a good confidence building phrase when your daughter's coming to you and she's saying like oh gosh, I had such a tough practice today. It felt like nothing I could do was right. I feel like my coach was being super hard on me and she was picking on me.

Speaker 1: 8:38

Sometimes it's our nature to say things like what really was going on or I'm sure that's it's not as bad as you're making it sound and we try and convince her out of this feeling. I mean, we all know why we do that. It's hard to see our kids not be positive and we don't want them to go down this route of like beating themselves up. But if we pause to say I believe you, that is such an incredible confidence building phrase because at its root, confidence is self-trust. So she's coming to you and she's saying, like her perspective and how she sees it right, she's kind of flexing her confidence. She's trying to flex her confidence a little bit Like I felt like I was being picked on, I felt like nothing I could do was right. Just saying like I believe you, that sounds tough. I believe you is like such a game changer when it comes to those conversations. Now I will say you don't to.

Speaker 1: 9:29

If she's totally beating herself up and saying something like I'm the worst one on the team, I absolutely suck, everybody hates me. Saying I believe you is not great in that moment. But saying something like you and I both know that's not true Like you're not actually the worst person on the team, but I believe you, that that would be a tough feeling to feel. Okay, that's tough. Like you are then validating the feeling underneath what she is saying, without actually agreeing with her that yeah, you are the worst one on the team and you do absolutely suck, but see where you can sprinkle in that phrase I believe you when she is trying to share her perspective, the other just like really easy one that you can drop in again, depending on the age of your athlete. You know she might roll her eyes at this, but just saying like you know what I love about you, or you know what I noticed today at practice, or you know what I noticed about you in your game.

Speaker 1: 10:03

Automatically we perk up when we we wanna hear things about ourselves, right. So you know, I'm sure she would say she might be a little bit hesitant at first, but she's gonna wanna hear what you're gonna say, right, what you noticed something about me or what, what is it? And so just dropping those things, like you know what I love about you, you know what I noticed today about you in your competition, okay, or even saying like, oh, I don't know if you're going to want to hear this, you know, especially if you have, like a teen or tween. You know I'm not sure if you actually want to hear this, but no, nevermind, you know. And then kind of like playfully getting back into it. That's something, a strategy, I learned from Dr Becky Kennedy. She is a researcher around parenting and that's one of her kind of one of her strategies. So those are just like really simple things that you can be dropping in day to day to kind of strengthen her confidence.

Speaker 1: 10:45

Now let's talk pregame. Okay, we're going to fast forward a little bit to before your daughter is competing and this is a really could be vulnerable time for her and I hear from a lot of moms that are like gosh, she gets like mad, irritable, like she's biting my head off. Now. You don't have to stand for any of that, right? You can say like you can be nervous, you can be uncertain of how things are gonna go, but you cannot be mean to me. Of course, you can always say that, but let's just talk about some things that you can be saying before she competes, to build her confidence as well.

Speaker 1: 11:11

The framework that we use to guide this is keep what you're saying short and focus on what's in her control, and even better, if you can come up with your own little tagline that you say every single time, something that you're known for, something that she can count on. One that I'm playing around with my daughter is have fun, be yourself. It doesn't have to be complicated, right, doesn't? She doesn't need your coaching, she doesn't need any of that stuff. She just needs you to like, probably give her some space and then just give her something short. A lot of moms in our program have actually like special handshakes and like a pregame routine that they have with their daughter. That's very short, but some other things that you can say do your best, let go of the rest, trust your training, be you.

Speaker 1: 11:48

A lot of moms in our program also add like humor. If you've got something funny that you can like, infuse before a game, humor adds levity and allows us to breathe a little bit, be really helpful for your daughter. But I actually have a whole list of pregame things that you could be saying, pregame phrases and go-to things that you can say to build her confidence before her game and after her game when you register for that free training that I was talking about. So we have our 25 key phrases cheat sheet. So to grab that, just go to trainhergamecom, register for the training and we give that as a little free gift when you come to our training. So if you want this all just in a form like a cheat sheet that you can go to, like a PDF, then go to trainhergamecom register and I'll give that to you for free. Okay, let's talk post game.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Post game is another tricky time when it comes to confidence Win or lose. It's a really good opportunity to build confidence. Now, if she wins, a lot of times we just like move on really fast and we're like okay, great Woof, we won, moving on, okay. But this is a good opportunity for her, for you, to reflect back what you notice about how she got that accomplishment. So, moving away a little bit from, like accomplishments and outcomes not that we need to ignore them, but like what was in her control and what is a PIQ about her that led to that accomplishment, so say, she did have a phenomenal game, she got a PR, or she was working really hard towards achieving a certain stat goal and she got it right we want to say, wow, congratulations, I'm so happy for you. Right, I'm happy for you is a great one to say.

Speaker 1: 13:06

Another thing is going back to this like what was in her control, like I know how hard you were working to achieve that. So it's, yes, it's seeing the accomplishment, but it's also underlying like, hey, you created that yourself. Okay, you did that by working hard, by being coachable, by being a good teammate, by putting in the hours, not giving up when it was hard, like whatever it is that you noticed. Okay, that's in her control that she can replicate. She might not always be able to replicate a PR or an all-time stat high Like that pressure actually lowers athlete's confidence but she can replicate those things that are in her control, like her effort, her attitude, her work ethic, like all of those, and that's really what we want to highlight when she's in that excitement of winning or doing well.

Speaker 1: 13:46

Okay, now, sometimes, when athletes don't do well or they feel like they didn't do well or they lost, that can be the hardest for us as parents. Like, what do we say? We like want to try and fix things. We want to help her see the bright side and we're just going to put pump the brakes on that. And one of the ways that we can build confidence is just by letting her feel what she's feeling.

Speaker 1: 14:07

What you heard from Renata in the beginning. She said you know, just giving her space to be sad and labeling her sadness and disappointment helped her so much when we can just pause. Remember, confidence is self-trust. So she's feeling how she's feeling. And if she's coming to you and she's feeling how she's feeling, and if she's coming to you and she's saying like I'm super frustrated, I'm super disappointing, another disappointed, another phrase is you really know you feel that way. That's a great confidence building phrase as well. You really know you feel that way? Yeah, I do. It's gonna like strengthen that muscle of like yes, I know I feel this way and I am feeling this way. That's gonna help her process that feeling a lot faster than you being like, hey, well, let's be positive, let's not focus on that, let's focus on the positive. Like she's gonna shut down, she's not gonna wanna talk to you anymore and really you wanna be her safe space in that moment. And so give her her to be sad right now.

Speaker 1: 14:59

It's actually healthy for her to feel those emotions, okay, so we actually take a framework called love. It's an acronym L O V, e. This is what we teach inside the elite mental game on the parent side of the programs, cause we give you resources too when you come through EMG right, cause you're, you're not alone in this sports journey and it's hard for you too. So love is what we use and it's an acronym. L is let her lead, o is open the space, v is validate her feelings and E is encourage inward. Okay, and so we have parents just follow L-O-V-E. L let her lead.

Speaker 1: 15:26

Does she wanna talk about it? And even ask her Do you wanna talk about the game or not? And honor her answer. A lot of times it's no, I don't right now. Okay, okay, where do you want to eat? That's great. Oh, open the space, have a routine with her, if you can have a routine where you guys are going out to dinner or just getting something quick to. You don't have to have a fancy meal after every game. Have a routine, whether that's a car ride home or you're going to Starbucks or whatever. Open the space so that if she does want to talk, she can.

Speaker 1: 15:50

V is validate. This is what I just talked about. If she is feeling whatever it is that she's feeling, just see it Okay. You don't have to try it and explain it away or get her to feel something different, like just be like yeah, okay, You're feeling that way. You really know how you feel that way, or you really know how you feel Okay.

Speaker 1: 16:06

E is encourage inward. This is where some of those questions can come in, some of those things that you can say to help encourage inward when she is feeling that, so that she can process okay. So things like what went well, what was surprising, what didn't go well, what are you gonna focus on in the next game? How are you a good teammate? Who helped you and who did you help? All of those type of questions are actually confidence building, because she is then evaluating her performance and she's in the driver's seat. It's not like you're telling her how to feel or how to process what she just went through. And so, like I said, if you want a cheat sheet, pdf version of this, go to trainhergamecom, register for that free training and as a bonus when you show up to the training, I give this to you all for free, but it's because I know I'm throwing a lot at you. I'm throwing a lot of these phrases, so if you're, you know, walking or driving and you don't, you can't write them down. We put it in a nice simple PDF for you, okay.

Speaker 1: 16:53

But post-game, really just following that love framework will allow you to, first of all, feel confident that you can navigate it, but also it gives her space to be able to process, which builds confidence. She builds confidence when she can look at how she did. She can recognize like, yeah, this is how I'm feeling, but now I can look at it a little more objectively and separate my emotions from it and then look at it as like, okay, this is a learning opportunity. There are some things that did go well, there are some things that did not go well, and here's the action that I'm going to take. Moving forward, athletes Insider Program also have a post competition routine to help guide them after every competition. I tell them to complete it within 12 to 24 hours, while it's still fresh, and it's a very short routine that they do, but they do it every time so that they build confidence in how they can objectively look at how they did, without adding in all the layers of like I'm the worst teammate, I suck, I shouldn't be on the team anymore, like all of that, because that's not really helpful. That's also really great. This is where two pieces of the puzzle like you can have your part. Like you can have your part, but she also needs her part on how to navigate these situations as an athlete. All right, moms. I hope that this was helpful.

Speaker 1: 17:57

Another way to look at things. We went over day to day A key thing for that her positive and inequalities, recognizing what's in her control. Use phrases like I believe you Drop in. You know what I love about you, you know what I noticed in practice today, or you noticed in competition about you, and then bring it back to things that are in her control. Pregame keep your words short, focus on what's in her control, do your best, let go of the rest. Trust your training, be you, add humor like find what your tagline is going to be because likely. That's going to stick with her for the rest of her life, no pressure, but it could be something that actually is like. My mom always said this and this helped me and it's also something that she can come to expect.

Speaker 1: 18:29

Okay, post game, use that love framework, let her lead, open the space, validate her emotions, encourage inward. Where do you want to eat? Do you want to talk about the game? What went well? What was surprising? You really know you feel that way. Okay, what are you going to work on for next practice? If you could do that competition over what would you do differently? Who did you help? Who helped you? All of these things are ways to build her confidence. Confidence. All right. Moms, like I said, hopefully this was helpful. If you want that PDF of the 25 key phrases, go to trainhergamecom, hit register. When you show up live to that training, you get that PDF straight to your inbox and I will see you in the next episode of the Raising Elite Competitors podcast.