Supporting Young Athletes After a Game

Speaker 1 1:12

Welcome back to the Raising Elite Competitors podcast . I'm Coach Bree , a mental performance coach for girl athletes , and I'm so excited that you are here . Whether you are just getting going on your journey as a sports parent , or maybe you're very experienced and you've got a lot of seasons under your belt , this podcast is for you to help you know how to raise a confident , mentally strong girl athlete . And guess what ? Part of that journey of becoming a confident , mentally strong girl athlete involves winning but also losing , and we're going to talk today about how to support your athlete's confidence . After she has a bad game , bad performance , she's not happy with how it's going . Typically , what we see after this , what we hear from moms in our community , is she gets in the car with me and she just cannot stop focusing on the negative . She's beating herself up . I don't like to hear it , but I'm not sure what to say because everything I say seems to make it worse . So I'm going to give you a couple of strategies that you can use in those moments to help build our confidence , and what we teach moms and parents inside our community , and also a little bit of what we teach athletes inside our program , the Elite Mental Game on how they can process their performance and the recommendations that we give to parents inside the program when faced with this very common situation . Now , before we jump into it , I do have a shout out . Speaking of the Elite Mental Game , I have an athlete who recently texted us this Within the program , we check in with athletes every week via text and athletes are texting back , and this athlete said this .

Speaker 1 2:41

She said I noticed that now , when I make a mistake , I don't even have to go through my snapback routine because it has become so natural to learn and let it go . What I love about this is this athlete actually references one of the tools that we teach that very first thing inside the program . It's called the snapback routine . This is just a really useful , tangible tool that athletes use to come back from a mistake . So , instead of spiraling or letting one mistake turn into two or three or four how that all ends up they have a tool that's a combination of a breath , a reset word , a reset gesture that helps ground them in the present moment and then they can just move on to the next play , not being brought down by that last play , and so athletes use this . But what's really cool about what this athlete said is that she doesn't even need to use it anymore , Like it is just natural . It's part of her routine to not dwell on mistakes , just move on next play . And that makes a world of difference in how athletes perform when they're not actually bogged down by the mistakes that they just made , or worried about it , or worried about what might happen . So congratulations to this athlete . Her name is Olivia , by the way . So , olivia , keep it up . Can't wait to hear how things go as you continue to go through the program .

Speaker 1 3:44

All right , let's get into today's episode talking about strategies to support your athlete . After a bad game , maybe a loss , maybe she doesn't feel like she played well , what can we do in those moments ? So I'm going to go over three key things and hopefully you'll leave with some , some really great strategies that you can start implementing . So first one is just to understand what she needs in that moment . So what I mean by this is , after we kind of divide up your athlete's experience into four categories , we have her day to day , like actually when she's not competing in her sport or she's not training , she's not practicing . That's actually where she spends the most amount of time , so just her day-to-day life and what we as parents say during that time makes a big influence on her confidence . But that's not necessarily what we're talking about today . Then we've got pre-competition time , so right before she competes we have during competition , and then we've got post-competition .

Speaker 1 4:38

So this episode is mostly focused on that post-competition time and including the car ride home . And the car ride home if your athlete is not driving , so she comes in your car with you when she's done with a game or a performance is one of the most memorable in an athlete's career and the sad part about it is that it's not necessarily for a good reason . A lot of athletes have memories of getting in the car with a parent and the parents just asking them a bunch of questions or critiquing them , or it just becomes this like escalated situation and maybe you've been there , maybe you're like oh yeah , the car ride home is definitely rough , like I am trying to figure out what to say before she even gets in the car and everything I say is just wrong . That car ride home is key and if your athlete's not driving , really the post-game timeframe is just anywhere from like when she ends her competition to like even the next day . So there's just that time where she's potentially internalizing a lot of what happened out there , good or bad , so she might be thinking things like that was great , that was terrible , I'm the worst . I just need to vent , I need some food , I need some space . She might be feeling any and all emotions during this time and so , knowing that this is like a key time for her , we encourage you to have a routine so athletes and parents inside our program actually create their own post-competition routine with their athletes , and so that might be as simple as we're just going to go get something to eat afterwards Like that's our routine win or lose , play well , not play well Like we're always going to do the same thing .

Speaker 1 6:00

For me , I remember my parents and I have talked a lot about my whole like athletic career as a kid , just because of the work that I do and reflecting on it , and now we follow a little bit different research in this area . But they did nail one thing they did a lot of things . Okay , don't get me wrong , but my mom has said countless times like I wish I would have had like your program and your advice when I was going through it with you , because I just felt like I didn't know what to say . But one thing that they did was , like every single time after a game we went to Burgerville . It's like this local burger shake shop in this area area where I live , and I just remember feeling a sense of it doesn't matter how I did , like we're always going to go to Burgerville and even to this day , as an adult , when I go to Burgerville , it just like brings back all of these really good memories of that time with my mom or with my dad , like where it just didn't matter , like didn't matter how the game went . It was that time where I could just connect and be myself and forget about things for a second . Having a routine it doesn't have to be going to get something to eat afterwards , but it's just so simple . But having a routine really helps your athlete know that my performance is not going to determine how my parent treats me . We're going to do the same thing every time , no matter what happens out there .

Speaker 1 7:16

Now it's also a different conversation when we talk about , like , bribing our kids or paying them for points scored . I will say I'm not a fan of that , but I think I did address that at a different podcast and really the reason why and I wasn't actually planning on going here but when we talk about building confidence in our kids , part of it is that their confidence comes from themselves , their own internal ability to trust themselves , but also their own efforts , things that are in their control . And so when we tie external rewards to their external performance , we are then sending this subconscious message that what matters most is your achievement out there . What matters most is how many goals you score , how many points you earn . All of those things matter and ultimately that's out of their control . The score of the game , how many points they score , their stats like ultimately that is out of their control , especially if they play a team sport because there's so many other factors that go into it there's refs , there's their teammates , there's the other team like , there's so many things , okay . And so we're tying something that ultimately is out of their control to their validation . We're giving them validation on this like achievement , outcome , all of this , and ultimately they can't control that .

Speaker 1 8:29

And so that's when we see athletes actually like developing some performance anxiety and developing this sense of my worth is my achievement , that's really the only thing that matters . So if I don't play well or I don't hit that mark , then I don't deserve to feel good about myself , I don't deserve to actually have the thing , the affection , the connection , the love that my parent is providing . And so this goes a lot , sometimes like , oh , come on , it's just a fun little bribe and you know it works . Okay , let's just pause . Yeah , maybe I'm not telling you , I had a parent , but I am saying that the research is very clear in this area , that when athletes and when kids are connecting their worth to their achievements , and that secure attachment with their parent is determined by something that they're trying to achieve and it's ultimately out of their control , we're missing the mark . And so we want to shift to what's in their control .

Speaker 1 9:26

Because when an athlete goes into a competition and they're thinking , I have to score this many goals or have to score this many points , okay , that's where , like , they start to feel out of control because they don't know actually how to do that , because it's out of their control . But if they can shift to , hey , well , all I need to do in this game is show up , give 100% , okay , be a good teammate . My attitude , my effort , my mindset , like all of that is actually in their control . And so when we highlight those things , when we praise those things , when we recognize those things in our kids , that's actually confidence building because they are in control of those things , they're in control of their attitude , they're in control of their effort , they're in control of their mindset right , that those are the things that they can invest all of their energy into . And guess what ? Those things , when athletes do actually focus on that , that actually does positively impact the outcome that they get .

Speaker 1 10:17

So I am just as competitive as probably everyone else that's listening to this podcast . I was a former college athlete . Like I'm a coach who's won a few state championships . I'm very competitive and I will challenge you if you're like well , I just you know I'm super competitive and I want to push my kid to be competitive to and achieve great things . If you truly want to do that , then you're going to shift your focus from all of the outcome things and shift to what's in their control . Highlighting that , okay , so that their self-worth and how they feel about themselves is not connected to how many goals they score , what they're achieving out there , okay .

Speaker 1 10:51

So I could really go on this topic for a long time , but that actually wasn't the intention of this podcast episode , but I just think it bears repeating because I see so many athletes who come into our program at the beginning and they're like struggling with pre-performance anxiety and perfectionism , and their parents are like I don't know why , I don't know what's , you know , and we kind of have to peel back the layers and we're like okay , well , where are you placing your praise , your emphasis , your feedback , all of those things post game ? Are we ? What are we focusing on ? All right , and so , if we can subtly shift that to things that are in their control I'll give you some scripts in a little bit as we go along with the episode . Those things make a big difference in athletes confidence , their self-efficacy , you know . All of those things go a long way

Parental Support for Young Athletes

Speaker 1 11:32

.

Speaker 1 11:32

Okay , so sorry that was a little bit of a tangent , but where we were going there is have a routine , all right , have a routine that allows her to know like , hey , no matter what happens , my mom , my dad , my parent , they still love me . I know . You're like obviously I still love her , no matter what she does . Athletes get this twisted a lot in their brains and I'm saying this because I see athletes every single day coming into our program and when they fill out these intake forms , they're saying things like I feel like the world is falling apart when I lose , and I'm feeling like I'm losing my joy for the sport and like all of these things . So it matters a lot . I don't think you can ever overstate that . You know what . There's nothing you can do to make me not love you , no matter what you do out there , I've got you , we're in this together . And where do you want to eat ? Okay , so I don't think you can overemphasize that with your kids , okay .

Speaker 1 12:23

So that was kind of all wrapped up into number one understanding what she needs and having a routine . I'll tell you what she doesn't need . Okay , she doesn't need your critiques . She doesn't need you pointing out what she did wrong . She already knows . She doesn't need your opinions or feelings about the game . She doesn't need any of those things , okay .

Speaker 1 12:39

So I'll tell you right now a little bit about the framework that we teach parents inside our program to help , and this is called the love framework . Okay , l O V E this is a really simple acronym that parents can follow post game to help remind them of . You know what we're doing here , okay , and this is number two . Okay , use the love framework . So love stands for let her lead , that's L . O stands for open the space , v is validate and E is encourage inward . Okay . So we go deeper into these inside the elite mental game on the parent side of the program we give examples of all of this . But the L for let her lead is what I was saying before . You let her kind of be the dictator of how she wants to talk or not . Talk about her competition . All right , you can vibe it out , you can tell kind of what mood she's in , but let her lead that conversation . She might not want to talk right away . O stands for open the space Ties into having a routine .

Speaker 1 13:38

So opening the space really means if you want to go somewhere to get something to eat , if you want to , you know that car ride home just having space for her to be . And those of you with teens know that sometimes it's in that moment afterwards that they don't want to talk , they don't want to say anything . But it will be at like 1130 at night before you're going to bed and now all of a sudden they're coming into your room and , like you know , wanting to chat about things . But if you come at her right away and you're asking a bunch of questions and you're critiquing and you're criticizing , she's not actually going to want to open up to you and she's probably not going to come later at night to have that conversation with you . She's probably going to be like I don't actually want to be near you at all , and that's the opposite of the goal . That we want is that for her to understand that you can be her safe space in these moments .

Speaker 1 14:20

Okay , v is to validate . So we talk a lot about how important it is to not just try and fix our kids' emotions in these times when she is struggling post-game . And validating is not the same as agreeing . So sometimes athletes are coming in and to the car and they're like I'm suck , I'm the worst one on the team . That was terrible . Hey . Validating doesn't sound like yeah , you're right , like you do , and you are the worst one . No . Validating sounds something like oh , you sound frustrated , okay . Or just repeating what she's saying , mirroring back Okay , you worked really hard and you really wanted that , and you sound disappointed right now and how things went , okay . So it's just like reframe . Not just reframing , but like being the mirror for her emotion that she is experiencing .

Speaker 1 15:04

Okay , another great phrase that we teach moms in a program is , especially if you don't want to like , agree with her that she's the worst around the team , saying something like you and I both know that's not true , you know , creating a little space and recognizing like , hey , I don't agree with that , but it would be tough to feel like that . Okay , so the statement might not be true that she's saying , but the feeling is how she's feeling in that moment is a hundred percent valid . And so we're trying to validate how she's feeling , because at its root , confidence is self-trust and your athlete is trusting herself and she's coming to you with real , legit feelings and emotions . And when we try and tell her you shouldn't be feeling that way or that's not how you should be acting afterwards , we're actually undermining her confidence , because how she's feeling is true , and so let's validate that . Okay , e stands for encourage inward . This is where we teach parents to ask these open-ended questions If she is willing to talk about the game or if she wants to talk about the game , because a lot of times athletes are looking for that external validation , especially if you are in the habit of giving her some sort of report of how she did after a game , okay . But we actually want her to look inward for her validation , to productively process how she did Inside the Elite Mental Game .

Speaker 1 16:09

Athletes learn their post-competition routine . It's like a quick routine that they do within 12 hours of competing to help them evaluate how they did objectively . So taking away the judgment and just looking at the facts like I missed five serves , that's fact , okay . Judgment is I missed five serves and I'm the worst server on the team . No , we don't need all of that . It's okay . I missed five serves . What could have been going on there ? And then we can go to a more place of like productivity . What can I work on in the next game or the next training session to improve that ? Okay .

Speaker 1 16:38

So asking these open-ended questions like what went well ? You know , what didn't go as expected ? What were your goals going in ? Did you hit those Were ? There was a room for improvement ? Who did you help ? Who helped you ? You know all of those types of things are really really great to ask .

Speaker 1 16:53

If you want other really great phrases to ask , we have our 25 key phrases cheat sheet . This is like a cheat sheet of confidence building questions and phrases that you can ask before and after your athlete competes . We give this away for free at our free training for sports parents . So if you go to trainhergamecom , register for that training . When you show up live , we give you that PDF for free . So trainhergamecom if you haven't already registered for that free training , it's also where we break down our methodology and our approach to mental training and simple things that you can be doing to strengthen your athlete's mental game . So trainhergamecom is where you go for that . When you sign up for the training , show up live , you get that PDF for free . So just as a little side note .

Speaker 1 17:29

Another little side note is that during that time when she , when she is with you , maybe she's not feeling great about herself , like , silence is okay . You don't have to fill the silence with a bunch of things . Okay , just letting her know like , hey , if she is communicating to you that it didn't go how she wanted it to go , but just saying things like hey , you know , I know that's not how you wanted it to go , we're going to get through this , okay . Or I'm here if you want to chat . Okay , just very simple and being okay with the silence . I know that it's sometimes hard , but silence is okay .

Speaker 1 18:00

The last thing I want to do is share with you just a little insight into what athletes are saying inside the program when it comes to what they need for support from their parents and I . The reason I'm sharing this is that inside the elite mental game , there's a section where athletes are considering and reflecting on what support looks like and what they need in the moments pregame , during game , postgame and then they are prompted to actually have a conversation with their parents to share this information with them , and then parents are coached on how to receive that information , because sometimes it's hard to hear , potentially because you're like I'm just trying to help , I'm trying to do my best , and then athletes are coming and saying this would be helpful if you did it this way , but we just have to be humble enough and open enough to realize what our kids need in these moments . Okay , so I just think it's helpful for all of us to have a little insight into what athletes are saying , and it's very consistent what they're saying . So every day , athletes are commenting inside their training portal and saying things that you know , responding to prompts that we give them inside the program . So here

Respecting Athlete's Post-Game Space

Speaker 1 19:00

are a couple .

Speaker 1 19:00

So this athlete says after , for post-competition . She said I don't like it when , as soon as I get out of a game , everyone , including my parents , asks me how they thought I did , because after I just need a little space . Okay , so , just , she just needs some space . Okay , let's just give her little space . Okay , so just she just needs some space . Okay , let's just give her some space and likely she'll talk later . Okay . Another athlete said this after competitions I like to reflect on my own If I do bad . When I do well after a competition , I'm more open to hearing feedback and have a better capacity to hear their speech . Tips , slash , long conversation . Okay . So she's recognizing like , after a game , like my parents are giving me speeches , tips , long conversations and especially if I didn't do well , I really don't want to hear it . Okay , I just need some space , okay .

Speaker 1 19:41

Another athlete said after the game I like to have some space . Okay , there we go Three in a row . Okay , I don't like it when my parents constantly ask questions . Okay , so I'm not saying that you just ignore your athlete . If we follow the love framework , it's clear that let her lead open the space . You're still with her , like she just needs your presence most of the time . Okay , so her presence and just to know that , hey , we're good , I got you All right . This doesn't determine anything about who you are as a person , as an athlete like bad games do not make you a bad person or a bad athlete . Okay , just being that presence and giving our athletes space is one of the simplest things that we can do . One other little tidbit that I will leave you with is something that I share with my community and our weekly tips . We do weekly tips with inside our community of moms who are going through the elite mental game , and last week's tip was about how to develop a growth mindset . Like just little thing that you can do when you're athlete . After she has a bad game . Okay , and that is two things .

Speaker 1 20:35

You can add the word yet , and you can add the word today to your phrases . So how this might sound is , I know , if your athlete says something like ah , I just like that was one of my worst games . Okay , I feel like I just I cannot hit the line . Okay , whatever , I'm talking volleyball , not reference , but whatever that means for you . Okay , I can't do this , I can't do that . Okay , adding the word yet . Maybe you've heard that before . I know you really wanted to hit the line , you really wanted to try that . You just haven't , you haven't developed that yet , okay . So just adding yet to the end is a really great way to encourage that growth mindset while also validating how she's feeling in that moment . Okay , today , um , adding today is a good one . It's a little bit more nuanced .

Speaker 1 21:15

I actually found or heard of this example because I saw an interaction with a dad and his daughter at the Olympics and I believe she was a swimmer and she had not a great performance and she was crying and she was saying to her dad like I guess it just wasn't meant to be . And instead of saying like no , no , no , you'll get it next time , or you know , just kind of common things that we say , I think he said something genius . He said it wasn't meant to be today , you know . So it's still validating Like yeah , yeah , you didn't perform how you wanted to perform . We're not trying to sugarcoat it and act like it was your best performance , but just today , that's just today . It's just a snapshot of today . Tomorrow's a different day , okay , next week is a different week . So it wasn't meant to be today . I think it's great .

Speaker 1 22:02

Or like we lost , or like , oh , that was , we blew it today . Well , you might want to say , yeah , you blew it today , okay , but yeah , no , we fell , we fell short or we came up short today , and so I think that just is a really great and simple way to develop that growth mindset of like today is just today , tomorrow is a new day and it's always a new opportunity that's coming . Okay , that was , I think , more than three tips , okay , so I thought I was gonna keep it to three , but I think I threw a lot into this one . So hopefully you're walking away with a couple of things that will help . Some key things remembering what she needs in that moment and a lot of times it is just a routine and space . Number two , have a routine that assures her love and connection with you , regardless of her performance . And , number three , follow that love framework . So let her lead , open the space , validate her emotions , encourage

Mental Performance Training for Sports Moms

Speaker 1 22:49

inward .

Speaker 1 22:50

Like I said , if you want more on this , if you want to talk more pregame , during game , we have strategies for all of it and we cover a lot of that inside our free training for sports moms and you can head to trainhergamecom to register for your date and time for one of those that we have . It's a really great comprehensive training . It's about 45 minutes , plus we have some Q&A at the end and we give you that free 25 key phrases cheat sheet that you can take with you to competitions just as a reminder of like here's what to say before she competes , after she competes . A lot of moms are like I just like printed out , and one mom was even like I just laminated it and I just bring it with me to remind me of what to say and what to not say . All right , moms , I am Coach Brie , a mental performance coach for girl athletes . I hope that you enjoyed this episode and I will see you in the next one .