welcome back to the racing elite competitors podcast. I'm coach Bree, a mental performance coach for girl athletes. And I'm so happy that you're here today. We're talking about five strategies that you can use today to boost confidence in your athlete daughter. Now these five strategies I talk about in our free live training happening this month. If you're listening to this episode as it's being recorded. So about mid September, we are hosting free live trainings that last week of September. So go to train her game.com to register, and we will be dropping knowledge, our proven method, proven strategies and quick things that you can be implementing right away to build confidence in your athlete daughter. But in this episode, I'm just going to scratch the surface. To give you a taste of what we talk about in that training all around how to strengthen your athlete's confidence. But before we do, I do want to give a shout out to a mom in our community. Her name is Lauren, and she recently posted this about her athletes. She said this program, the elite mental game has been a total game changer for my daughter before we started, she was stuck and in a confidence decline, it was such a pleasure to watch her regain her confidence and rediscover her love for the sport. I would love that for all girls in sport. I agree with you. All girls in sports should be able to experience this. And I love that Lauren was able to watch her daughter reading her confidence in rediscover her love for this work, because that's what it's all about. Now Lauren sadder went through our mental training program. It was formerly called the elite defender program. We have refreshed it and is now called the elite mental game. And we are actually opening enrollment for that. The last week of September. So we're announcing enrollment for that at our free trainings that are happening, like I said. So we're talking about that a lot right now. If you're listening to this episode real time, because it's going to be a party, we have those live trainings and we're also opening up enrollment for our newly refresh program. Be elite mental game. So make sure you grab a seat at one of those trainings. We have three to choose from. At train her game.com. We're also giving away a free spot to the elite mental game to one person at each training. So. There you go. And one more reason to show up. Okay. Let's get into these five strategies that you can use to build confidence in your athlete daughter. Number one, shift where you are putting your praise. This is a huge thing that we talk about a lot in our programs. We talk a lot about it at our training as well. And this is an idea about praise. We typically don't think much about praise because it feels good. And when we're praising, our athletes did something well, and it's easy, right? It's the natural thing to do to say, good job, nice work. You won the game. You got the most amount of points. You, you aced the test. And it's just a natural thing and it feels good because we want to be in this happy place. However, confidence is lost and developed actually in that really crucial time. And so where you place your praise and where you placed your emphasis. Can really make a difference in your athlete's confidence. And here's why when your athlete does really great things, even outside of their sport, right. Maybe in academics or some other area. And we are only praising those things that go really well for them. The outcomes, the games won, the goals, scored those type of things. They are actually subconsciously linking that praise to this outcome that I got is good. I'm getting praise for it. And they're linking their self-worth and their affirmation and their validation from you and from external sources. To their outcomes into their achievements. And we hear all the time about athletes who struggle with perfectionism. And, you know, at the root of perfectionism is somebody who's always looking outward and looking for external validation and wondering what people are thinking of them. And one way that we can actually help D link who they are from what they do. And de-link their self worth from their achievements in their sport is to shift praise to things that are in their control. So when we shift our praise to things that are in our athletes control, like their effort, their work, connecting to their values and why they play their sport. Then we are actually affirming them and we are building their confidence because those things are in their control. And so now no longer are they. Well, maybe not as much from you from that external pressure standpoint, thinking I have to always do well, I have to score these many goals or all of those things, because that's where I get my praise. That's where I get my recognition. Now they're shifting it to, I need to show up. I need to work my hardest. I need to be a good teammate. I need to make sure that I am taking coaching. All of these things that if you are highlighting those, those are in the athlete's control. And actually the more that they focus on those things, the better the results actually are. So I'm not saying that you should just ignore when good things happen and just pretend like you don't see that. No, validate it. See it. Baskin in their glory as well with them and shifting to things like you look so proud of yourself. Wow, you've worked really hard for this. You were taking coaching so well. You were being such a great teammate. All of those things that led to that success, that's where we really want to shift our praise to. And in that free training, we actually give you some scripts on what you can say and simple language shifts that you can make in order to be very intentional with where you're putting your praise and emphasis. All right. Number two, validate versus fix. We are moms. So we are fixers. We like to come in and provide our solution. Our perspective. We have a lot of knowledge. And we have a lot of life experience, and it's really hard for us to not hold back any of that, because we think we have the solution to what our athlete is going through through the ups and downs of their sport. And we do likely, I mean, just give ourselves credit, however, You know, or maybe you need reminded that when athletes. And teenagers and preteens are in that state. They don't want your advice unless they're asking for it. They don't want you to come in and provide a solution right away. And in fact, when you do. You actually are taking away their ability to problem solve and you are taking away their natural. Ability to process whatever emotion they're going through. So if your athlete is having a challenging time or they had a bad game or they're feeling disappointed, The best thing you can do is normalize that experience, name the emotion, and validate their experience. So focus on. What are they saying to you and mirror back be that reporter like a high D you're so disappointed. You're, you're feeling really frustrated right now that you're, didn't get the playing time that you want. I hear you tell me more about that instead of well, it's probably because you need to work harder or even worse. Well, it's probably because the coach likes this person better than this person. Please don't go there. Do not ask questions or, negatively put that coach in that light or teammates in a light so that you're pitting your athlete against other teammates and other coaches. Just listen, validate, speak back what your athlete is, speaking to you. And as you do, you are actually helping your athlete process, whatever they are going through. So validate versus fix. Allow them to come up with a solution and ask things like, oh, this sounds really tough. Do you want me to continue to listen because I can. Or do you want me to help you come up with solutions? And be okay. I think it's more uncomfortable for us as parents to see our kids upset and disappointed. Because it's hard for us to see that. And so we also need to increase our emotional resiliency so that we can hold space for our athlete to feel those feelings without. Making them not, or making them feel like they can't be disappointed. They can't be frustrated because if you send that message now, they're not going to come to you after a game. They're not going to be truthful with you. When you're asking how they're feeling, because you've sent them the message that you can't feel frustrated, you can't feel disappointed. Let's get you to happy faster. Right. And you want athletes to continue to come to you want your daughter to continue to come to you and be that space, because that is part of your role. So that's number two, validate versus the fixed number one was shift where you're putting your praise. Number three model your own confidence. This is one of the most important things that you can do as a mom, as a parent of an athlete is to model the confidence that you want your athlete to demonstrate. And we tell parents in our program, the elite mental game, we talk about what does competence look like in your athletes? If you were literally write out a list of what confidence looks like, what you want to see in your athlete? And now instead of trying to, fix your athlete and get your athletes, do all these things and lecture them into it. Take that list and apply it to your life. How are you doing those things? If you want your athletes to take risks, how are you taking risks? How are you getting out of your comfort zone? Whether that be like you're signing up for a new fitness class. Or you're trying something new with dinner, whatever recipes. Or maybe it's, you know, you want your athlete to go after big goals. What are your big goals? How are you modeling this? If you want your athlete to be. Resilient. Again, its challenges and bounce back after mistakes. What's your response to mistake and challenges and your stress level and how you take care of yourself when you're stressed. Don't underestimate your role and your athlete's confidence in what you're modeling through the environment. You'll learn at the training that there are two things that are in your control when it comes to your athletes, confidence in their experience, that is you shape the environment and you provide the opportunities. Everything else you really can let go. And those two things actually cover exactly what you need in order to be a very supportive sports parent who helps your athlete be the most successful. So that's number three, model your own confidence. Number four, let her experience the challenges of being an athlete. That kind of goes along with fixing it. But I see this just. So often where parents are stepping in. Because again we have a hard time seeing our athletes struggle. I get it. I do too. But if we are going to not let our athletes be challenged and experienced those hard times where they have to talk to their coach about something that's bothering them, where they have a tough teammate. Where they're not getting what they want. If we just step in and try and fix it for them, they're not actually learning what they're supposed to learn. And part of the reason we have our kids in sports is so that they can experience these challenges these hard times. And they have real life experience now with having tough conversations with working hard, when they want something with dealing with disappointment, when they don't get something. And if you don't allow them to actually go through that, then they're never going to actually learn the skills that we want them to learn. Through athletics. So ask yourself always, is this situation, wherever your athletes going through, is this uncomfortable? For me or for her, is it challenging for me or for her, or is it. Harmful. Right. So there is a line there, right? If your athlete is in a situation that's harmful to her health, mental health, physical health, and yes, of course, you need to step in and take care of that. But I see too often that parents are stepping in, in situations that are challenging and uncomfortable for athletes, but they're not harmful. And so know the difference and allow your athlete to go through the show, allow her to fail every once in a while she didn't stay motivated or, you know, that's never going to happen to stay motivated, but she didn't do the extra work that she said she was going to do. And she didn't make the team that she wanted to make. Hey, what a great learning opportunity. You pushing her is actually not going to get you the results that you think you're going to get. And it has to come from her will. It has to come from her goals. And oftentimes parents, we get crossed into that and it becomes our goals, our ego, all of this stuff that kind of gets things, a little muddled. So let her experience the challenges of being an athlete and let her goals be her goals, not yours. Number five, last one. I know we're going through a lot and sure. She has skills to navigate being an athlete. So the first part of that. Number four was let her experience the challenges, but give her skills to navigate them. Don't just say like, oh, y'all here we go. You know, that's like me throwing my kids in the deep end of the pool when they can't swim. I am equipping them with skills by putting them in swimming lessons so that when they are challenged and they have to use those skills, they have them. And so make sure that your athlete has the skills to be able to navigate the challenges that come with being an athlete. So I'm talking about how to come back from mistakes, how to deal with nerves and pressure and expectations, how to come back from a game when she feels like she didn't play very well. How to talk to a coach, how to navigate tricky teammate dynamics, all of those things, athletes typically are not taught. And if you are expecting your daughter's coach to teach her these skills, you are going to be disappointed. Most coaches don't know how to teach this and don't have time. To teach this. And so that's why she needs to make sure. And you need to make sure that she's equipped with the skills, the mental skills and the skills to navigate this normal part of being an athlete, just like you're equipping her with the physical skills. And again, that's what we teach at our free training. That's also what we teach athletes inside our program, the elite mental game. So. Head to our free training@trainhergame.com where you can get started, making sure that she is equipped with these skills. And then also at the training, you will learn about our program called the elite mental game, where she literally goes through our program. That is a game that she plays in order to strengthen her mental game. And then you also have your set of that program. The game that you play in order to be a supportive parent. Alright, there we go. We've gone over five things so far. And we're going to stop here. So I think these vibes are good to kind of give you an idea of these big things that actually, I mean, they're simple things, but they make a big difference in your athlete's confidence. So number one, shift where you're putting your praise number two, validate versus always fixing things. Number three, model your own confidence. For let her experience the challenges of being an athlete and number five, along with those challenges, make sure she has the skills to navigate those challenges. So moms, I hope this is helpful to get you started. We will go in depth at our trainings, so hope to see you there as well. And i also will catch you in the next episode of the raising elite competitors podcast